brigdh

I feel weird making this post, but I'm having a hard time judging how I come off to other people and I figure that it's only fair to give a warning if my behavior is strange.

I'm having a bad week. They've moved my grandmother from the hospital back home, and there's a nurse to help take care of her, but they're not intending on doing any sort of treatment. She doesn't always remember what's happening. Sometimes she does, and then she seems very accepting, almost eager, for an end, which upsets me. Sometimes she's confused and doesn't understand what's going on, which is worse. The doctors' estimate was that she has three to six months, but my mom is of the opinion that the time is better measured in weeks, if that. I don't know how to guess these sorts of things. I'm going home on Thanksgiving; for now, I'm just afraid every time my phone rings.

I haven't been steady. It's not that I'm constantly down; it's that when I'm happy, it's more like a maniac phase than anything else- I'm jittery, talk too loud, laugh at things that aren't funny, and write excited, over-enthuastic comments with slowing down enough to make sure I've spelled things right, or even managed to include all the words in the sentence. I'd almost rather be depressed, because I don't like watching myself act so far off normal.

I still don't particularly want to be social about it, because I can't guess at when I'll swing back to wanting to be entirely alone, and it's usually abrupt switches from one side to the other. I don't want to come on IM for the same reason. But comments and emails are nice, because they're easy to walk away from when my mood changes, and it's good to have other things to think about that nonetheless don't require much effort. I like being distracted, and when I'm in this sort of mood I think I'd go crazy if I didn't have some sort of outlet to be excited at. So I want to thank anyone who's talked to me lately, and say that- I don't know if I'm acting strangely enough that it comes off as weird. It feels weird to me. Just please don't take offense at anything I've done recently.