Update on the state of me

[brigdh]

I feel weird making this post, but I'm having a hard time judging how I come off to other people and I figure that it's only fair to give a warning if my behavior is strange.

I'm having a bad week. They've moved my grandmother from the hospital back home, and there's a nurse to help take care of her, but they're not intending on doing any sort of treatment. She doesn't always remember what's happening. Sometimes she does, and then she seems very accepting, almost eager, for an end, which upsets me. Sometimes she's confused and doesn't understand what's going on, which is worse. The doctors' estimate was that she has three to six months, but my mom is of the opinion that the time is better measured in weeks, if that. I don't know how to guess these sorts of things. I'm going home on Thanksgiving; for now, I'm just afraid every time my phone rings.

I haven't been steady. It's not that I'm constantly down; it's that when I'm happy, it's more like a maniac phase than anything else- I'm jittery, talk too loud, laugh at things that aren't funny, and write excited, over-enthuastic comments with slowing down enough to make sure I've spelled things right, or even managed to include all the words in the sentence. I'd almost rather be depressed, because I don't like watching myself act so far off normal.

I still don't particularly want to be social about it, because I can't guess at when I'll swing back to wanting to be entirely alone, and it's usually abrupt switches from one side to the other. I don't want to come on IM for the same reason. But comments and emails are nice, because they're easy to walk away from when my mood changes, and it's good to have other things to think about that nonetheless don't require much effort. I like being distracted, and when I'm in this sort of mood I think I'd go crazy if I didn't have some sort of outlet to be excited at. So I want to thank anyone who's talked to me lately, and say that- I don't know if I'm acting strangely enough that it comes off as weird. It feels weird to me. Just please don't take offense at anything I've done recently.

Comments

[wolfpilot06.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm really sorry for everything you're going through. And I think I understand why you might be swinging from manic happiness to serious antisocialness - you're trying to cope with something that seriously bothers you, and it's not easy. I'm sure nobody faults you for anything you might say or do now - you're under extreme stress, and that's something that nobody really deals well with.

Since it's fairly impracticaly to hope that things turn out well in a situation like this, let me hope that things resolve in a way that's best for everyone. *hugs* I'm not around much online anymore, so I can't promise to be here if you need someone to talk to, but I'm always good for a hugs. Just know that I'm wishing you the best and worried about you, okay? *hugs*

**Wolf**

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Thank you, and it's alright. I'm not really looking for volunteers to coax me along or anything, though I always do appreciate nice thoughts. *hugs*

[p-zeitgeist.livejournal.com]

Not to worry. Not only can I not imagine that anyone would take offense, but if you hadn't said anything I'm not sure anyone would have been able to tell that anything was going on at all. Your control of tone is better than you think; you've been sounding perfectly fine.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Ah, I wondered. Generally you notice far smaller changes about yourself than anyone else ever could, of course, but it feels so exaggerated to me that I thought some of it was coming through.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

All of that sounds completely within the range of normal considering what's going on in your life. If you can, try not to stress about it -- just go with it. *Hugs you*

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Thank you. *hugs*

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

*More hugs, just because I can*

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Awwwww. :)

[chiasmus.livejournal.com]

*hug* I know exactly how that feels.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Sucks, doesn't it?

[chiasmus.livejournal.com]

Yeah. We're not leaving until after my lab on Tuesday, so we won't get to NY until around 6-7. No idea what we're doing on Thursday, but if we end up there again I'll let you know.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Oh, too bad. But have a good time at Placebo!

[kessie.livejournal.com]

♥

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

^^

[aluragayle.livejournal.com]

*hugs muchly* ♥

Oh sweetheart...I understand completely about the incredible stress you're enduring right now. You've got my love and support... ♥

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I appreciate these nice thoughts so much.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thank you, that thought really means a lot to me.

[springgreen.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Take your time. Stress does funny things to the brain, and you seem to be under a great deal of it!

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I really do appreciate everyone's nice thoughts, though; it makes me feel much better.

[call-me-ishmael.livejournal.com]

I remember when about the same was happening to my grandmother. It wasn't easy, but it also eased the pain of when she did die. I know that's not the most comforting of things to say, but I though I should share. I never know what to say when people are hurting, and I'm very belated, but I just wanted to let you know I care and hope you're doing ok. *hugs*

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I really appreciate it.