OMG so relieved.

[brigdh]

I'm taking this grad school class- as in, a class offered only to graduate students, not a class about grad school- that I got into by convincing the professor to grant me special permission, and I have been so very, very worried about it. For one thing, there's only five other students in it- so no chance of hiding behind someone and pretending that I know what's going on- and they are all, of course, grad students. On the first day, when asked about their personal interests, they answered with things like, "I study mortuary remains from medieval period Poland, focusing on dental indicators of health and mortality as an measure of population change".

My answer? Something like, "I, um... don't actually... have a specialization. As such."

This is why I was frightened of the class. I was certain that I simply wasn't smart enough to be in it; I couldn't compete at this level. It didn't help that today was the true class session, even though it's the fourth week of the quarter. So much bad luck conspired against us. First of all, the class is only once a week. The first session you never do anything: how could you? No one has the readings or assignments yet. The second week, the professor was sick. On the third week, there was a huge confusion over the fact that the classroom and time was changed, causing people to realize that we were having class only after most of the allotted time has passed. So, we haven't managed to actually have class before today. Instead, I was left alone with the readings, which in no way providing comfort about my personal abilities. They provided whatever the anithesis of comfort is. They are terrifying. I was absolutely convinced that I couldn't handle it, and I would have to drop out, and then I would be unable to graduate when I had planned, and it would be all kinds of badness. Let me quote for you:

Having elucidated the locations of the centers in terms of the economics of tribute mobilization, Steponaitis turned to the specification of settlement sizes relative to the local productivity as depicted by Brumfiel, constructing an elegant algebraic model in which the disparities between the productivity-to-population ratios of large centers versus small centers versus villages were functions of tribute extraction rates.

See? That's a single sentence from the very first assigned reading; there's a fun welcome to a class. Imagine about a hundred pages of that per week. Granted, they're not all this bad, but none of them could be described, by any stretch of the imagination, as easy reading. I was dreading dealing with this class.

But today! We actually, finally, had class. And within the first ten or so minutes someone asked a question to clarify a point, and I heard the girl sitting next to me whisper to her friend, "I have no idea what we're talking about. This is too complicated." But I knew what we were talking about! I understood it- I even had something to contribute! And throughout the class, I had all sorts of things to say and questions to ask and things to point out. A lot of the class was nothing more than explaining the articles, too, which made me feel much better about having so much trouble working through them- the professor would read a paragraph, and then we'd talk about what it meant. And I could tell that I understood it just as well, if not better than, most of the people in class.

I'm not going to fail! I am so happy! I love everyone! My joy knows no bounds!

*ahem* Okay, I'm done. I just had to share that.

OMG OMG SO HAPPY.

Comments

[poisoninjest.livejournal.com]

This is why I was frightened of the class. I was certain that I simply wasn't smart enough to be in it; I couldn't compete at this level.

Don't worry... that's not just an undergrad thing. I felt like that constantly for my first year and a half of grad school. Hell, I still feel like that a good bit now, in my third year. *g* And most of the grads I know don't have a specialization for the first couple of years. The thing is... grads often pretend that we know what's going on... the art of bullshit as a defense mechanism... but we really don't. :o) Glad you're enjoying your class!

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

*laughs* Thanks. It's very comforting to think that the other people in the class are just as scared as I am (which makes them sound like spiders. You know, Don't worry, they're more frightened of you than you are of them!).

Ah, bullshit. That and nodding like I know what's going on are my two favorite things to go. *grins*

[poisoninjest.livejournal.com]

(which makes them sound like spiders. You know, Don't worry, they're more frightened of you than you are of them!)

Here we see the grad student in its native habitat...

::grad student skulks across campus, chain-smoking, drinking espresso and muttering furtively about Foucault::

Do not provoke the grad student. It is overworked, underpaid, living of Ramen noodles, and does not remember how to have normal conversations with normal people. Exercise caution! It WILL attack if it feels threatened!!!

[poisoninjest.livejournal.com]

(Living off Ramen noodles. If I weren't a freakazoid grad student, I probably wouldn't compulsively correct the spelling on my LJ posts.)

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

(No, no, see- the problem here is with LJ, not you. There needs to be an 'edit comment' feature. It drives me crazy to post a comment, and then notice the spelling mistake, or dropped word, or misplaced comma. Argh!)

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

*DIES*

[b-hallward.livejournal.com]

Scary. But, congrats! *glomp*

has flashback to her first day of grad-level class by request. Ugh.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

*grins* Thank you! #^^#

The request thing just made it so much worse! I couldn't imagine how I was going to deal with having to drop out of a class I'd begged to get into. But now I do not, so yay!

[wolfpilot06.livejournal.com]

Oh lordy, do I know that feeling. It feels so nice when you actually have something to contribute to the class and know what's going on. =D I haven't really had that feeling here yet. ~_~ Sometimes, I have a question, but I feel too stupid to ask, not knowing if I'm just the only person in the class not understanding. Whenever I actually can help someone with a question, I'm absolutely ecstatic, though.

Yay for non-stupid moments! =DDDDDD *glomps*

**Wolf**

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Aww, Wolf! I'm sure you do fine in all your classes; you're way too smart not to. And you should ask questions- a lot of times everyone else is wondering the same thing, but they're all afraid to ask. I know where you're coming from, though. My best friend in high school was the same way.

Non-stupid moments hooray! *hugs*

[mistressrenet.livejournal.com]

Ten years out of academia and I still do not understand why some people will not use plain English. Gah.

In other words, you rock (though I already knew that), and I'm so glad you're in this class and enjoying it!

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

For real. What's the point of purposely making yourself harder to understand, other than so you can feel special and elite? Sheh. Scholars: they're like BNFs, in a way.

And awwwww! Thank you. #^^#

[mistressrenet.livejournal.com]

Dude, scholars are the ultimate BNFs. Heh.

And you're welcome.

[solo.livejournal.com]

Having elucidated the locations of the centers in terms of the economics of tribute mobilization, Steponaitis turned to the specification of settlement sizes relative to the local productivity as depicted by Brumfiel, constructing an elegant algebraic model in which the disparities between the productivity-to-population ratios of large centers versus small centers versus villages were functions of tribute extraction rates.

You know what, any academic who feels he or she has to write in that kind of style needs a good kick in the backside. There is no need for that sort of denseness. It's snobbery, that's all.

Trust me, I'm a historian. *g*

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Exactly! It's one thing if you use a big word because it's the one you need, but this guy is just trying to fit as many syllables into a sentence as he can, regardless of readability. I want to hunt him down and say, "This writing? Does not make you look smarter. It makes you look like you'd use a thesaurus to order pizza."

[healing-coyote.livejournal.com]

hurray! That's how I was for a few of my graduate classes. Kudos to you for kicking ass at the undergraduate level! Does this mean your GPA goes into the stratosphere when you get your A?? :P

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

#^^# Thank you! And I'm not really expecting an A, but are grad classes weighted differently? Cause that would be so very cool if they were.