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brigdhCurrently I am supposed to be writing a paper, so of course I am making long posts to livejournal instead.
Despite it continuing to be far too cold, I've been thinking about summer a lot lately. There is nothing certain past the end of the month, but that's so soon. I can't not wonder, or try to plan; when I'm thinking about something else and my mind wanders to half-conscious daydreams of 'in June I'll do this, in July I'll do this, in August I'll do this...', but there are no details to fill in any of the blanks. And I get irritated when people ask, because I have nothing new to say, I haven't heard anything new in months. Not that it's their fault, but I'm tired of always having to say, I don't know. Everything is waiting, waiting to hear about grant applications, about dates, about plans; waiting for specifics from people who are waiting to hear from other people who are themselves waiting on other things, and meanwhile time passes and I keep feeling like I must be missing a hundred deadlines, that something's going to be too late before I realize it.
I'd like to know, for instance, if I will even be on the appropriate continent when my apartment's lease runs out, or if I'll have to move my stuff into storage months earlier and then apartment-hunt from out of a hostel when I return. I'd like to know if where I'll be this summer will have access to electricity, cell phones, the internet, letters, or if I'll be entirely cut off again for months, which seems so much less appealing than it did last time. I'm tired already of having no one nearby who I know well; I don't want to spend months starting yet again with an entirely new group of people.
I walk around, sometimes, and wonder where I'll live next year, and watch the lovely buildings. And there's a lot of them in my part of the city, the old, interesting ones, with the big windows that have carvings around them, and elegant, individual structures, and glimpses of bookcases or tables or lamps inside. That's what I'd like, but I know I could never afford it. So I think, well, I only need a tiny corner of a room, it's not like I own any furniture. And I think, I wouldn't mind not having an elevator, not having air conditioning; I make these intense, carefully thought through decisions of what I would and would not be willing to sacrifice, as though all that matters is deciding, and then there would be such a place. And then I read through apartment ads on craigslist and depress myself.
Despite it continuing to be far too cold, I've been thinking about summer a lot lately. There is nothing certain past the end of the month, but that's so soon. I can't not wonder, or try to plan; when I'm thinking about something else and my mind wanders to half-conscious daydreams of 'in June I'll do this, in July I'll do this, in August I'll do this...', but there are no details to fill in any of the blanks. And I get irritated when people ask, because I have nothing new to say, I haven't heard anything new in months. Not that it's their fault, but I'm tired of always having to say, I don't know. Everything is waiting, waiting to hear about grant applications, about dates, about plans; waiting for specifics from people who are waiting to hear from other people who are themselves waiting on other things, and meanwhile time passes and I keep feeling like I must be missing a hundred deadlines, that something's going to be too late before I realize it.
I'd like to know, for instance, if I will even be on the appropriate continent when my apartment's lease runs out, or if I'll have to move my stuff into storage months earlier and then apartment-hunt from out of a hostel when I return. I'd like to know if where I'll be this summer will have access to electricity, cell phones, the internet, letters, or if I'll be entirely cut off again for months, which seems so much less appealing than it did last time. I'm tired already of having no one nearby who I know well; I don't want to spend months starting yet again with an entirely new group of people.
I walk around, sometimes, and wonder where I'll live next year, and watch the lovely buildings. And there's a lot of them in my part of the city, the old, interesting ones, with the big windows that have carvings around them, and elegant, individual structures, and glimpses of bookcases or tables or lamps inside. That's what I'd like, but I know I could never afford it. So I think, well, I only need a tiny corner of a room, it's not like I own any furniture. And I think, I wouldn't mind not having an elevator, not having air conditioning; I make these intense, carefully thought through decisions of what I would and would not be willing to sacrifice, as though all that matters is deciding, and then there would be such a place. And then I read through apartment ads on craigslist and depress myself.
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no subject
Date: 2007-04-11 11:35 pm (UTC)Not to the point, but you write beautiful lj posts.
Oh honey, I sympathize (in fact much more than my chronic reserve lets me express). Awkward transitional periods always throw me for a loop, especially when you're stuck waiting in a period of forced uncertainty. And, yes, people do keep on asking and asking, so I won't, though I imagine your area of study must lead to opportunities for traveling to some neat places ^^ But you always come across as so together and competent -- I'm sure you'll work out something nice!
there's something about Cyprus
Date: 2007-04-11 11:36 pm (UTC)I've been waiting two weeks to be able to make plans for the coming two weeks. By longstanding arrangement, I take care of my father's dog when my parents are on the road; there's a clinic in Cyprus around this time every year; I even had the dates, sort of. Only not, because every morning for the past week and a half I've awoken to find that everything's been changed, and no one can do anything about it, because it's all being handled in Cyprus and no one who can cope with it is available until next Tuesday. Or perhaps until sometime this afternoon. Or the next evening that the moon's in the last crescent. So we all wait, and have no damned idea what we're doing, and can't make alternative arrangements either.
Which is not to be compared to having to find an apartment in New York, and not even knowing where you're going to be when you have to do it. (I'm still horrified that NYU can't give people more help with that; it's not like they don't know how tough it is.) But it's an annoyance of the same type, just not of anything like the same degree. It's supposed to be a perfectly nice place, Cyprus. Why must it have this kind of effect, every single time?
no subject
Date: 2007-04-12 05:33 am (UTC)Not that any of this is like your situation -- you currently lack the cliff to step off of, but these things are like this, and these things are part of what you've chosen to do.
I do sympathize. My mother always asks me about all my auditions, and really, why talk about things that aren't even maybe? or within my control at a given point?
no subject
Date: 2007-04-12 06:01 am (UTC)God, yeah. I don't get the impulse to talk about those sorts of things at all; generally, if there's nothing to do but wait to hear from someone, I'd rather not even think about it.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-12 04:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-13 10:22 pm (UTC)Thank you. And you're right: it really is a neat and interesting opportunity, certainly much more so than my last archaeological experience, since eastern Nevada isn't on anyone's list of Places To Go Before You Die. Which I am sure I will appreciate much more once I can stop worrying that things will go wrong. *grins* I'm sure to post plenty of details once I've finally settled the topic.
Re: there's something about Cyprus
Date: 2007-04-13 10:30 pm (UTC)The apartment thing: I do appreciate that they are willing to arrange housing for people's first year here, since it would have been even more of an experience to try and find somewhere to live from several states away. It's annoying that they don't do more than that (particularly compared to, say, Columbia, which I've heard is willing to give much more help), but I suppose there are benefits to the system, too. Even though my apartment now is much larger and in a better location than anything I'll find, it does have a very impersonal, dorm-feeling to it, and it'll be nice to move out of that.