Teen angst is supposed to end when you stop being a teenager

[brigdh]

God, why do I do these things to myself? AIM is supposed to be for entertaining diversions while I work, not epic chats with high school friends who make me alternately furious and upset while in public. Also, why am I incapable of ever coming out and saying anything directly? I hate that I dance around everything, I watch myself do it and I hate it because I know how obvious and blatant it is and that if I really didn't want to talk about it I am perfectly capable of changing the topic, but I do it anyway, waiting for someone to notice.


brigdh = Patti (whether that should be spelled with a y or i involves years of backstory) = me
gabe00ayg = Anna, a high school friend
Shannon = the third of our group


[19:33] gabe00ayg: yea... it really was... and i cant say that i have really any better memories than when it was just us 3 you know?
[19:34] gabe00ayg: and being here in toledo i think about it a lot just because although you have friends from college... they dont seem to be as good as friends as those that you have had in high school you know???
[19:34] gabe00ayg: things just seem different
[19:35] brigdh: Oh. Well, that's sad.
[19:35] gabe00ayg: i know
[19:35] gabe00ayg: i mean i have a few really good friends here
[19:35] gabe00ayg: but nothing like it was in high school
[19:36] gabe00ayg: no one could ever take you or shannons place... i know that might sound weird... but i dont know a better way to put it
[19:37] brigdh: No, it's alright. Thank you; that makes me feel very special. I think that people spend *so* much time together in high school- you know, eight hours a day, five days a week, just all the time, constantly with the same people, and that you never really get quite that same obsessive amounts of time later in life.
[19:39] gabe00ayg: yea i can see that.... but i also think since its such an impressionable age too... that you are learning so much and different ways and growing up that you go through harder stuff at that age with only those people and but when you are in college you dont do that you know??? so you dont get that extra part of the relationship
[19:39] gabe00ayg: you know what i am saying?
[19:40] brigdh: Yeah, I see your point. But I think people are always changing, and getting new impressions.
[19:41] gabe00ayg: right but harder experiences than those that one goes through in high school???
[19:42] brigdh: Well, maybe not for everyone. I feel like I had to go through stuff that's just as important since, and I think I have more in the future.
[19:44] gabe00ayg: yea... idk i think that there is just something about high school that you cant get any where else... i mean i have never had a closer relationship with anyone at college than that of you and shannon you know??? maybe because there are so many people you just dont spend it with that person or maybe its because i went to college with ben and john and stuff... idk its just weird i guess
[19:44] gabe00ayg: and quite sad
[19:47] brigdh: No, I wouldn't say sad. I mean, I think it's good for you to know who the important people in your life are, and what the special times were for you. And I think high school is an important time for everyone.
[19:47] gabe00ayg: yea
[19:47] gabe00ayg: idk... i guess i just REALLY miss knowing that you guys were right down the street and i miss the fun times
[19:47] gabe00ayg: no one i have met here is like that really
[19:48] gabe00ayg: well there is one girl and i am close to her... but she went back home to live and i barely get to see her anymore
[19:48] gabe00ayg: :(
[19:48] gabe00ayg: i think i was just made to meet people but not have GOOD friends
[19:49] brigdh: Aww, honey. *hugs*
[19:49] brigdh: It is hard to meet people.
[19:49] gabe00ayg: yea your telling me
[19:49] gabe00ayg: lol
[19:50] gabe00ayg: cause all the ones that i have met girl wise... all leave
[19:50] gabe00ayg: :(
[19:50] gabe00ayg: so its pointless to meet anyone anymore
[19:51] brigdh: Oh, don't feel that way. Of course some people have to leave because of other events, but that doesn't mean its inevitable, or that its your fault.
[19:51] gabe00ayg: patti... ever since i have left high school... i cant hold on to a GOOD friend... cause just as we become basically inseperatable... they have to leave
[19:51] gabe00ayg: ummm that sounds weird
[19:51] gabe00ayg: lol
[19:52] gabe00ayg: but anyway i think you know what i mean
[19:52] gabe00ayg: and its just annoying
[19:52] gabe00ayg: so there are a lot of times where i just miss you guys... and wish there was something more that we could do like meet once a month or something... but thats not going to happen
[19:52] gabe00ayg: grrr
[19:52] gabe00ayg: lol
[19:52] brigdh: No, I know what you mean, it's okay.
[19:53] brigdh: But it's not like that didn't happen in high school too. I mean, you, Shannon and I were together, but there were plenty of other people who had to transfer or move.
[19:54] gabe00ayg: yea but thats the thing that sucked... we were always together you know??? EVERYTHING was all about us 3... we had other friends... but we were always together you know???? i think sometimes even i took it for granted...
[19:54] gabe00ayg: and the best thing is we only fought like once in the 4 years
[19:56] brigdh: It was nice. I really did like always having people to count on to hang out with. But I think you have a better view on it than I do.
[19:57] gabe00ayg: y do you say that?
[19:58] brigdh: Well, I dunno. It doesn't matter. It's not really important anymore, and I don't want to make you feel differently about things that are over, anyway.
[19:59] gabe00ayg: as in shannon and i were closer?
[20:00] brigdh: Yeah, that's true. I never felt as though I could say as much as you two did to each other.
[20:01] gabe00ayg: but you are the one that help make the group patti
[20:01] gabe00ayg: you were always welcome
[20:01] gabe00ayg: even now when shannon and i are together we ask eachother if either have talked to you or heard from you
[20:01] gabe00ayg: and say how much we miss it being us 3
[20:02] brigdh: Thank you, that means a lot to me.
[20:02] gabe00ayg: well its the truth
[20:03] gabe00ayg: :)
[20:03] gabe00ayg: i mean we ALWAYS talk about you and old times patti...
[20:05] brigdh: That's nice to hear. I'm glad I mean so much to you two.
[20:05] gabe00ayg: u didnt know that patti???
[20:05] gabe00ayg: truthfully?
[20:07] gabe00ayg: ??
[20:08] brigdh: I think we seemed closer to you than we did to me, but it's not necessarily a bad thing that you take a better view of it.
[20:08] gabe00ayg: lol what?
[20:08] gabe00ayg: totally didnt get that one
[20:09] brigdh: I mean, it wasn't exactly like that to me. But I'm glad it meant so much to you.
[20:10] gabe00ayg: what was it for you then?
[20:10] gabe00ayg: cause that sucks
[20:11] brigdh: It didn't suck. I was very glad to know you, and to be friends with you. I just didn't feel I could tell you everything.
[20:11] gabe00ayg: just me or me and shannon?
[20:12] brigdh: Oh, both.
[20:12] gabe00ayg: patti :(
[20:12] gabe00ayg: :^O
[20:12] gabe00ayg: :-<
[20:12] gabe00ayg: :-S
[20:12] brigdh: I hope you don't feel hurt; I didn't mean it that way.
[20:13] gabe00ayg: its ok patti... its just sad thats all... i thought that were u able to tell us most things
[20:13] gabe00ayg: im sorry that i wasnt there for you more
[20:14] gabe00ayg: :(
[20:15] brigdh: Please don't be upset. I don't blame you for it. I just knew there were somethings neither of you wanted to know, so I didn't talk about them. But I never resented you for it or anything.
[20:15] gabe00ayg: what do you mean that i would never want to know??? like what?
[20:16] gabe00ayg: or do you not want to say?
[20:17] brigdh: Well. It's just that. I mean, you and Shannon still haven't figured out that I'm gay, have you?
[20:17] gabe00ayg: .... u want my honest answer?
[20:17] brigdh: Sure
[20:19] gabe00ayg: i always thought that you might have been cause there were little signs....
[20:19] gabe00ayg: but i mean i never would say anything
[20:20] brigdh: If you suspected, why would you keep doing things like calling stupid stuff 'gay', when I told you it bothered me a thousand times, or saying to me that lesbians shouldn't be able to adopt children, or when we watched The Color Purple in religion class junior year, saying that the sight of the two girls in the movie kissing made you want to puke, and covering your eyes?
[20:22] gabe00ayg: well patti... those were the signs that made me think it... but i was also quite more immature than i am now you know
[20:22] brigdh: I suppose so.
[20:24] gabe00ayg: dont you dare be upset with me now patti
[20:24] gabe00ayg: i really am
[20:24] gabe00ayg: im sry
[20:24] gabe00ayg: but didnt you think that maybe if you told me i would have said been more open to it????
[20:24] gabe00ayg: i would have NEVER cast you out
[20:24] brigdh: I'm not upset. I said I didn't hold it against you.
[20:24] gabe00ayg: yea but i would have still been there if i knew
[20:24] brigdh: I think it's easy to say that now. You know, Shannon once told me, word for word, that she could never be friends with a gay person?
[20:25] gabe00ayg: i just thought that you were saying stop because you thought it was mean
[20:25] gabe00ayg: well that was shannon .... not me
[20:25] gabe00ayg: i have fam that is gay
[20:25] gabe00ayg: and i love them to death
[20:25] gabe00ayg: and i thought of you and shannon as my fam cause mine is so fucked up
[20:25] gabe00ayg: hence my mom
[20:25] gabe00ayg: lol
[20:26] gabe00ayg: but i have fam that is... i wouldnt have thought it was bad... i would have been fine with you and would have kept it a secret... again i just thought that you always told me to stop because you thought it was mean... just like spanking a child you told me was mean
[20:26] gabe00ayg: so i mean .... i didnt think to much about it cause i figured you would tell me ...
[20:26] gabe00ayg: but i did think about it a few times
[20:27] gabe00ayg: make sense?
[20:27] gabe00ayg: lol
[20:29] brigdh: It was mean. I would have been upset with it even if I was the straightest person on earth. But look- if you can't see why it might be good to not constantly insult gay people, regardless of whether you were doing it in front of a gay person or not, why would you have been motivated to act differently if you'd know? Why do you even think I would have wanted you to keep it a secret? The only people who I cared who knew were you and Shannon, because I wanted to be able to count on still having close friends. Anyone else, I wouldn't have minded what they did.
[20:31] gabe00ayg: patti you still would have been my close friend because i loved the times that we had... i litterally thought of you and shannon as my family, i have never turned someone away as being my friend because of anything... i surely wouldnt have done it for you... in fact freshman year of college one of my closest g/f here was gay...
[20:32] gabe00ayg: in fact i prob would have asked for details if you had done anything
[20:32] gabe00ayg: lol cause i am curious
[20:33] gabe00ayg: but patti i still luv ya... and i hope that you can tell me more stuff.... ok???
[20:34] gabe00ayg: im interested to know what else there was
[20:34] gabe00ayg: but i have to be going i am in an on campus lab
[20:34] gabe00ayg: :(
[20:34] gabe00ayg: but call me sometime to chat
[20:34] gabe00ayg: later hun...
[20:34] brigdh: Alright. It was nice to talk to you!
[20:34] gabe00ayg: lots of luv
[20:34] gabe00ayg: ditto
[20:34] brigdh: Bye!

...I think it makes me a terrible person if I don't believe her, but, well, apparently I am a terrible person.

Comments

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

There are few things more awkward than receiving effusions of OMGBESTFRIENDSEVAR from someone you're no longer particularly close to

Oh, god, yes. I always feel so guilty that I don't return the feelings that I never know what to say. And she kept going on and on, and I just kept trying to come up with new reponses... I feel your pain!

Hee. Thank you.

[childofatlantis.livejournal.com]

It's especially the high school thing... loads of people my age are all over "friends reunited" and organising reunions already... it's only been five years! My memory of high school is that I met some people there who have become lifelong friends, but I don't miss the actual time we spent together then - I much prefer the way we spend time together now. In fact my overwhelming mental impression is that I was a lazy brat, I hated the city, and most of my class pissed me the hell off.... ;)

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Yes, that's exactly the way I feel. There's a few people I fell out of touch with that I'd love to figure out how to find again, so I wouldn't mind a reunion just for that, but I'm certainly not sentimentalizing it and regarding it as the best time of my life.