Things which weird me out

[brigdh]

After a day in which most of my activity involved eating pasta, oreos, and a Chiptole burrito, I went out to see a movie. We got there far too early, and so we stopped in at a nearby store having a sale. They had jeans for five dollars- which is practically as cheap as at Good Will- and so I bought a pair, discovering in the process that I've apparently gone down yet another size.

And then we went to the movie, where one plot point revolved entirely around the main character not being able to wear the size I now wear. Though eventually she gets there, after giving up carbs, among other things.

I was watching this, eating a large popcorn and with a large drink, and I could only conclude that the movie industry of America wants to drive me insane. They have me half convinced that I'm secretly anorexic and just haven't realized it yet, because surely no one could just... be at this size, it must be the result of a great deal of angst and strife and effort. I never know how to feel about body image issues, because I'm certainly not trying to lose weight. I feel vaguely guilty whenever people mention dieting or count calories around me; surely someone who would appreciate it more should have my metabolism instead. On the other hand, it's not like I mind- of course I like being able to eat whatever I want- but I feel like I should mind, or that I should mind less, or that it should matter in some way that it doesn't. It's a hugely important issue for so many people, but I have the opposite problem from most, and I don't know how to relate. Whenever I try to bring it up, I usually get blown off with the equivalent of 'poor little rich girl' and I understand where that's coming from. Still, I hate listening to people bash an actress or model for being too skinny by describing features which I have, and then be expected to agree. I'm not going to call myself ugly or say that there's no way someone could naturally be this weight, obviously it's a result of neurotic self-loathing. No.

So much of weight loss is just an annoyance to me, except that society insists that it's really a wonderful thing. When people often comment on or compliment me on something I'm unhappy with, it's hard to stay entirely unhappy with it, and yet: still annoying to not fit into my clothes, no matter in which direction the change is going. I end up with such bizarre mixed emotions that I have no idea what I think about the issue at all.

So, movies: stop talking about what sizes your actresses wear. It's upsetting for everyone!

Comments

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* You're on the other side of the coin as the people (women, mostly) who are made to feel "too fat," and it's not a fun coin no matter which side you're on. *More hugs*

[ranalore.livejournal.com]

I can't remember if you've been in any of the conversations I've had about this. I have a buttload of chronic medical problems which mean I can't keep weight on and I drop it very rapidly when I'm even the slightest bit ill. My system doesn't process any number of foods properly, so I have to keep an eye out for malnutrition, and even a little bit of stress throws my entire digestive system off-track.

I'm not shy about explaining these problems to people who comment admiringly on my weight, and I want to kill something because the majority of women inevitably say, "Oh, I could live with those problems if it meant I could be thin." Then there's the contingent who think I'm just making it up to hide an eating disorder (luckily, this kind of idiocy only lasts until they see me eat, and then see me not purge). It infuriates me that our society values thinness over health, and that so many women buy into it.

[parallactic.livejournal.com]

I think America wants to drive everyone insane with its preoccupation with weight. And, even guys are picking up on this trend, although the emphasis is more on muscles and fitness, instead of just thinness. But the thinness is included.

I'd like to see a variety of actresses of different body builds, so I'd have an easier time telling people apart. RL people are easier to tell apart from celebrities, because you can distinguish by coloring, and size, and height, and so forth.

[p-zeitgeist.livejournal.com]

I want to kill something because the majority of women inevitably say, "Oh, I could live with those problems if it meant I could be thin."

And the really ghastly thing is, they're right to say that. And I make that statement without even knowing just how bad your health problems are.

I was fat for a few years in high school, and then I took the weight off and have kept it off, and I'm here to tell you that the difference it makes in one's experience of the world is astonishing. I don't even know anything that I can compare it to. But it is telling, I think, when I had my very first consult with my oncologist about available treatment, practically the first thing I said to him was, "I'm okay with my hair falling out, but this had better not make me gain weight. And dude, I meant it. It's a Flowers For Algernon-level thing. It shouldn't be -- I couldn't agree more about that -- but it is.

[ranalore.livejournal.com]

Well, I wouldn't agree that they're right to say it, but as long as society values thinness over health, not thinking that way is as much a burden as thinking that way. In both cases, you have to expend energy on something that really shouldn't matter, and that's less energy you can put toward other pursuits. As someone once said, it's an invisible harem, a way to cage women in their own psyches so they have fewer resources to gain power or protest power.

It really is the "angel in the house" internalized. In my scrawnier periods, when it's very, very obvious my weight is the result of poor health, people will do a "poor dear" routine with me, but there's still this admiration in their eyes, this kind of crazy love, because I may be sick, but I'm not breaking the aesthetic code. I'm not, in their minds, reminding them that illness is ugly, that you can't control what it does to you. Thinness becomes an expression of strength, of mind over matter, of transcendance when it's a symptom of illness. I'm not wallowing in the breakdown of my body, by this line of reasoning. I am overcoming my affliction.

Sadly, I know how this goes because I used to buy it myself. I was smug about it, and judgmental toward people who weren't that lucky (and I am lucky, that my illnesses don't make me gain weight, because nobody assumes I'd be all better if I "just lost a little weight," or that my problems are weight-related, though some of them are). It took my sister telling me she was bulimic, it took watching my other sister descend into anorexia, for me to wake up. Thinness isn't strength. Sometimes, it's the illness. So I trained myself not to see weight as a factor in a person's determination, or beauty, or commitment. I still slip, though, and the fact that I had to train myself in the first place says there's a problem here.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Yeah. This really isn't a fun issue for anyone.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Oh, god, me too. I have the hardest time telling actors apart sometimes, which can make following the plot rather difficult.

[parallactic.livejournal.com]

I have a hard time telling acquaintances/new people apart. I know what you mean about having a hard time following the plot. And at least with actresses, it's a little better because they're allowed a greater variation in height. Actors are harder on me because they all seem to have a similar height, to go along with the same age/race/build.

Hollywood is too homogenous looking. I say this, while knowing that I've internalized Hollywood's aesthetic standards to a certain degree. Hm, maybe Hollywood has already made me crazy.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Yeah, same here. Actresses tend to have a wider variety of hair styles too, which helps me, whereas actors nearly all have short, dark hair.

I suppose everyone in America has internalized at least some of Hollywood's standards, but I often surprise myself by how much I don't like the way many of the "beautiful people" look. I don't get the attraction of Paris Hilton at all, for example.

[parallactic.livejournal.com]

Same here, with Paris Hilton. There are also big name celebrities which don't appeal to me at all. But, I'm also aware that my tastes for visual appeal (discounting other things like personality, etc.) don't deviate much from the monolith of not being fat or too old looking.

My tastes deviate in other ways, for example, in how I favor androgynous appearances. So it's a little crazy to criticize the homogenity, but at the same time find it appealing.