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My brother: I don't know what I'm going to major in.
My cousin the idiot slut (star of other stories, which I would link to if I wasn't being lazy): You should be a doctor! We need to have at least one doctor in the family.
Me: Uh, hello? I'm in the family. I'm getting a doctorate.
My cousin the idiot slut: No, I mean a handsome male doctor. Like McDreamy!
My brother and me: ...
My brother: And you think I'm the person to fill this role?

***


My cousin the idiot slut (who, to make this story better, had a George Bush life-size cardboard figure at her graduation party a few years ago): I'm fine with it. I like Will & Grace. I am down with the rainbow!

***


My mother: *in regards to one of my little cousins being in a pageant* And she was shoving all the other angels around, telling them where to go. It was just like Brigdh-
Me: This is the sixth time you have told this story. Stop telling this story.
My mother: You always had to be in charge, directing everyone...
Me: It is not my fault if other people are incompetent!

***


My brother: Let's go to Walmart.
Me: No.
My brother: Why not? One-stop shopping: get everything you need.
Me: Except for your soul.
My brother: Damn you and your morals! You're the least ethical person I know, but you're going to take a stand on where you shop?
Me: How am I the least ethical person you know?
My brother: Wait.
*ten minutes later*
My brother: *standing innocently nearby*
Me: *spills food on new shirt* Damn. You know, when mom walks over here, I think I'll tell her this is your fault, to see if she yells at you.
My brother: See? No ethics! All evil!
Me: Only for you, dear-heart.

***


My brother: *punches me in the stomach*
Me: *slaps him in the head*
My brother: *stomps on my foot*
Me: *kicks his knee in*
My brother: *attempts to slam me into the wall*
My mother: Hey! Stop that!
Me and my brother: *separate*
My mother: This is why she doesn't like boys.
My brother: Oh, now it's my fault?
Me: He turned me gay.

*dies laughing*

Date: 2006-12-30 06:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wordsofastory.livejournal.com
His habit of calling people things like "my dear soul" when he's being particularly sarcastic freaks me out, because I have been doing the same thing for years. And I don't even have the excuse of living with vaguely English nobility-type people to make it a habit that makes sense.

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