Fic: Sins (Swordspoint, PG)

[brigdh]

Title: Sins
Author: Brigdh
Ratings/Warnings: PG for people being depressing, and talk about killing.
Summary: Alec finds out about Jessamyn.
Notes: I should probably not be so self-indulgent as to actually post this without checking with someone else first, but I suspect that if I wait I will never want to look at this story again, and I'm reluctant to let it languish on my harddrive forever. If that's not enough of a warning for you, I don't know what else to add.
Disclaimer: All characters and places belong to Ellen Kushner.

***

"I hope St Vier kills you soon. I don't know why he isn't as sick of you as the rest of us."

Alec turned back to the beggar he'd stepped over. "You're confused," he drawled haughtily. "Richard kills people for me. It doesn't work the other way around."

"It will. I know where to put a bet down, if you've any guesses at how long it'll take." Off Alec's confused look, the beggar grinned, and Alec could see he was missing most of his teeth. "Hasn't anyone told you? Before you came down here, he had a real good friend, name of Jessamyn. Nice, normal woman, nothing like you; everyone liked her. He killed her one night, for no reason. Just wanted to, I heard. What makes you think he won't do the same to you?"

"You don't know what you're talking about. Richard doesn't do women."

The beggar spat. "Not anymore."

***

Alec was stretched out in front of the fireplace, limbs arranged awkwardly as a doll's that had been thrown aside. He was wearing his robe, though it wasn't cold enough for even him to need it; his hands were empty and his face was slack and Richard would have thought he was asleep, except that his eyes were open and staring into the flames. The sun had set but he hadn't lit any candles, so the room was dark with shadows. The orange light from the fire was too soft and formless to do much. "Hello," Richard said as he passed by to pull off his muddy boots, but Alec didn't respond, and Richard felt himself tense in preparation for what might come.

Alec stirred after a moment, hauling himself up into a slightly less slouched position. "Richard, did you sleep with a great many people, before you knew me?" He sounded only curious, but Richard didn't trust the question.

"Yes, I suppose so. A normal amount." Richard shrugged. "You've probably slept with more people than I have," he added, guessing that Alec was feeling jealous.

"Did you love any of them?"

"I don't know. I might have. I don't think about it, much."

Alec examined one of the cuffs of his shirt. "I heard that you killed a woman named Jessamyn. Did you love her?"

Richard's hand tightened around the back of a chair until he could feel the lines of the wood grain against his palm, and then he pulled it out roughly and sat down. The legs clattered loudly against the floor. "Who told you that?"

"Doesn't matter. It's true, then?"

"Yes."

"Ah," Alec said. Richard pressed his thumbs into his eyes hard enough to see flashes of colors that were too bright to be real; when he looked up, Alec was studying him with the closed expression he wore when he enticed strangers into attacking him. Richard's head hurt, suddenly. "Did she want to die?"

"No." If Alec noticed the harshness of the word, he didn't show it. He spoke with the same mild fascination that he did after any swordfight.

"Was it fast?"

"Alec, don't."

"Was there a lot of blood?"

"Stop!" Richard shouted. Alec did, thankfully; he turned on his side and focused again on the fireplace. Richard opened the fists he'd made and carefully laid his hands on his thighs. There was silence, except for the crackle of the fire and his breath, loud in his own ears. "It was a mistake. We were fighting."

"Like this?"

"No. She was different. It was different."

"No," Alec repeated. "You're never angry with me. Is it because you don't care?"

"She's dead, Alec; it isn't romantic."

Alec sat up abruptly, angry. "How could you do it? It isn't anything like you! You are always so careful, you wouldn't-"

"I did." Richard interrupted him. "I don't understand what you expect from me."

Alec tugged his robe tighter around his shoulders; his knuckles looked pale where they held it closed, but that might only have been the flickering light. He laughed sarcastically. "And you think I do? I don't know anything, Richard, and it scares me. I had thought I did, you see." Richard had no answer; he sat still, looking past Alec to the fire, and rubbed his mouth. Alec held out one of his hands. "Come here."

Richard shook his head. "Not now."

Alec ignored his refusal and crawled to him instead; sitting at his feet, he laid his head on Richard's knee. Richard sighed and set his hand on the table to avoid putting it in Alec's hair. "It has nothing to do with you. It would be better if you didn't think of it."

Alec twisted the hem of Richard's breeches in his fingers. "I can't picture it."

"Please don't."

"What if you're not the man I thought you were?" Alec's voice shook and he twisted his head to the other side to better look up at Richard. "But I need you to be. What will I do if you aren't?"

"I would think you'd be pleased if I killed you."

"Sometimes," Alec said. He closed his eyes before continuing. "I never imagined you could lose control. Why do you let me get you into fights when you know you are capable of such important mistakes?"

"It's not the same thing."

"You could be killed because of me. That is not right. When I- Richard, I swear I never thought you might be hurt. I thought you were impervious."

"Impervious to you?" Richard asked.

Alec shook his head. "The best. Immortal. St Vier. What could I do to destroy that?"

"Oh, Alec." Richard touched Alec's lips with the tips of his fingers. "Get off the floor and we'll talk about something else." Alec opened his eyes and raised himself to his knees instead, leaning up to kiss Richard's mouth.

Richard wrapped his arms around him and held him through the kiss, until Alec pulled away. "You're suffocating me."

"Sorry," Richard said, and tried to loosen his hold.

"I didn't say I minded."

Alec placed a hand on Richard's cheek and stared intently into his face; Richard didn't know what he was looking for, and it made him uneasy. He turned his face and kissed Alec's palm. "We could go to bed. Unless you're hungry; do you want to get something to eat?"

"That's all you have to say?"

"What else is there? Leave it alone; you can't talk it around to being something else."

Alec rested his head against Richard's arm and reached up to comb his fingers through his hair, slowly, careful not to catch any tangles. "I want to go to bed. I want to be sure I still know you."

"Alright."

***

Comments

[rm.livejournal.com]

This is fabulously, stunningly good. Yay for posting it.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

This is fantastic. It's very powerful. *Hugs you*

[threewalls]

*squee* Richard is so much simpler in his madness than Alec.

Now that I've read the book itself, I get the impression that neither of them consider their relationship to be based on 'love' in a romantic sense (and certainly not Richard, who unlike Alec, wouldn't overthink definitions of affection), but rather friendship, possession and need that goes somewhere astray of what they might consider 'love'. I could be overanalysing myself, I suppose.

[ranalore.livejournal.com]

I always did wonder how much Alec knew about Jessamyn, and how he felt about it. I also think that incident says interesting things about Richard (things it seems a lot of his fans like to gloss over, but there you are). This is a very good exploration of it, without making it an easier or less complex situation.

[madcampion.livejournal.com]

Wow, I say, and Wow again! This is fantastic. You give good Alec. Would you post it over at the Riverside community for all to see and enjoy? And what do you think Richard and Jessamine were fighting over, anyway?

[lynndyre.livejournal.com]

I think I may have just been spoiled, but your fics make me look forward to reading the book. ^.^

[p-zeitgeist.livejournal.com]

This is so good, and I agree with everyone else: it would have been a real shame if you hadn't posted it.

I'm finding it particularly interesting because it's such a compelling take on this piece of backstory, and at the same time it's quite different from the way I'd imagined it. It's oddly disorienting, like going back to a place you thought you knew and finding it looks totally different from what you remembered -- but no less effective for that.

[arcanelight.livejournal.com]

Lovely and powerful. I really enjoy reading pieces like this that fill in "missing" scenes from the original.

[bagma.livejournal.com]

I understand Alec's confusion: I've always had difficulty in imagining Richard losing control and killing Jessamyn!

I am glad you posted it. It was excellent.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm so glad you liked it.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Thank you! *hugs*

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Isn't he, though? I love how, compared to Alec, Richard's reaction of "I don't know why you're upset that I murdered my last girlfriend" seems normal.

No, I think it's really interesting! I was talking about this to rm a while ago, that the narrative always refers to them as 'friend', as opposed to any of the words we would use, like lover or partner or whatever, and what is up with that? I don't know that I'd say they don't consider their relationship to be love at all (though I might be influenced by something that happens in Privilege of the Sword here), but there does certainly seem to be an avoidance of commitment or formalization that steers it away from a romantic relationship. They both seem to consider each other only in terms of the moment, rather than any obligation for the future.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Thank you (and yes, you totally should read it)! You haven't really been spoiled; Richard's killing of Jessamyn- while a fascinating character detail and one that says a lot about him- isn't a plot point. It's just a bit of backstory that gets dropped in conversation by another character.

[threewalls]

If you mean to tell me that they get married in PotS, I will not believe you. I've already been spoilt for Richard's eyes by reading fic, so I may pick up whatever you mean accidentally, anyway.

They love each other, that's obvious, but the quality and name they might attribute to those feelings might vary. The feeling I get from them is that they don't want to be attached, or in love, or whatever. Alec in particular seems to have violent fits of 'not wanting', possibly when he feels himself slipping in this regard. While Richard gives me the sense of not believing himself capable of loving people as opposed to swordfights, but also that he doesn't think about it much.

Another thing about 'friend' vs. some other term. Reading it over again, I'm also noticing how private Alec and Richard about the 'affectionate'/'sexual' side of their relationship. They act like friends who aren't having sex outside of bed, lots of time together, but no casual touching, in contrast to many other couples in the book (admittedly all het pairs, so it could just be that)-- I think there's one point where Richard doesn't touch Alec to offer comfort at some point because they're not in bed, with the implication that there is some stricture on behaviour in bed as opposed to out of bed. (I think he may end up offering the comfort, anyway, once Alec proves himself totally gone, but I'm not sure.)

And I'm rambling on.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Please, as though I don't want you to ramble on about these guys.

*dies laughing* No, no one gets married. Just a few little lines of dialogue that make it clear that, by that point at least, they do use the word love.

Ah, that's so fascinating. I like your view on it because it's more about how they see themselves, and I'm always thinking about how they see each other. Neither of them seems to expect anything from the other, aside from his presence, maybe. I'm really struck by how Alec seems convinced that Richard will let Horn take him, that Richard wouldn't have any motivation to save him because, hey, it's not like Richard would have much trouble finding someone else to sleep with. And in turn, that Richard is so unsurprised when Alec leaves; he doesn't even seem to consider that Alec might have gone back to his family for a reason, because what is there in Riverside to make him stay?

The privacy thing is very neat, particularly since I don't think it's got anything to do with being shy in front of other people or cultural norms; neither seems like the type to care much about anyone else's opinions. They both seem to have very well-defined public personas, and then other traits that only show up in private, one of the private traits is physical affection. They both come off as much colder in public anyway.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

It's very interesting- my question is that I'm not sure when it would happen. I think I'd set this story not too long after the end of Swordspoint, but I can see arguments for Alec having found out earlier, also.

Thank you! It does so annoy me when fans try to whitewash negative things about a character.

[threewalls]

I would assume, not having read PotS, that the events at the end of Swordspoint shifted Alec and Richard's view of their relationship. Despite neither of them seeking proof of interest/commitment/affection beyond the casual from the other, both of them go to extreme lengths to saveguard the other. Well-- Richard might be able to claim it was about his honour as a swordsman not to be put in the position he is, but Alec... doesn't really have that, as far as I can tell. After all that, how can they continue to believe it's something casual?

I found it very revealing that Alec wouldn't reveal himself to save himself but would to save Richard (though honestly, the kidnapping had me giggling over its, well, fandom-cliche-ness, until I saw how it was resolved).

I'm now very, very curious about this PotS book, though I think I've not yet received it because the library has not in fact ordered it yet.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

*grins* Thank you! I'm glad of that; I do adore Alec.

And thank you for reminding me- I'd forgotten to post an announcement there.

And what do you think Richard and Jessamine were fighting over, anyway?

Hmmm, I don't know. I think if I wrote a story where it said, it would be something very normal and everyday- whose turn is it to take out the garbage or whatever- just a regular fight that got out of hand. I think I like that better because if it was a fight about something important, then Richard's killing her seems more okay and understandable, and I don't really want it to be understandable. Murdering someone you love should be strange and inexplicable.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm glad I did, then.

Now, of course, I'm curious about how you'd imagined it. I hadn't really thought about it until I got the few lines of dialogue that grew out to be this story.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Thank you. And hey, I didn't know you'd read Swordspoint!

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I find it hard to imagine because he's always so careful with Alec, you don't expect the sort of violent lashing out it must have been.

Thank you!

[ranalore.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty certain it's at least implied that he knows in Swordspoint, but I could be wrong about that. Despite the number of times I've read it, there are still bits that escape my memory. *G*

Same here, but I willingly admit the negative things are often what make me love a character, and I really don't care what that makes people think about my own personal ethics and morals.

[p-zeitgeist.livejournal.com]

Ah, well. Without writing a whole treatise, my sense always was that Jessamyn was a Bright Glittery Object whose life had pretty much taught her that there were no limits to how hard she could push people -- and particularly male people -- before it was really and seriously counterproductive. She was gifted, and she was beautiful, and she had a temper that would go straight to the head of the diva class. She liked drama, and she didn't mind fights, especially when they led to dramatic make-up sex.

And I think in the end she managed to make Richard angry enough that a kind of switch flipped in his mind, and she just stopped being a person he cared about. He still wouldn't have killed her if she hadn't pulled a knife on him, and if she hadn't taken advantage of the relationship to do it under circumstances that made it potentially more than a melodramatic gesture. But having done it, I don't think he was particularly racked by remorse. It may take him a long time and a lot of pushing to get there, but once he doesn't care, he really, really doesn't care.

Of course, now that I think about it, it's not like Alec has any more reason to find that comforting than the idea that he's capable of killing somebody he loves. Now I'm going to have to go back and try to figure out why on earth it had never dawned on me that knowing about the whole Jessamyn thing might bother him.

[arcanelight.livejournal.com]

Yep, your pimpage was a success. I enjoyed it very much.

And yay! for being able to read what you're currently writing. I will get to Saiyuki someday, I swear.

[madcampion.livejournal.com]

Well I don't see much in this story that contradicts that. It is, after all, vintage Richard. He won't react, he won't give any details, he just wants Alec not to be upset and not to talk about it. The only thing that strikes me as maybe non-canonical is how articulate Alec is about what's bothering him. Usually he just acts out and then refuses to talk about it, too. What a pair.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Aw, I feel all special. I didn't expect anyone to actually follow my enthusiasm into reading Swordspoint.

Saiyuki is excellent, but I swear to someday get back around to writing what most people know me for. I'm just easily distracted.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

It's true that they're a bit different by PotS, but it's hard to guess what's the result of the ending of Swordspoint, what's the result of their current situation in PotS, and what's the result of simply twenty years having passed. Though of course it's fun to try and figure it out.

The kidnapping is totally a soap-opera plot, but I adore it anyway. There are so many little moments in it that work so perfectly for me that I have to consider it redeemed: Alec trying and failing not to struggle, and Richard's reaction to seeing the shackle marks, and when Horn hits Alec (I have this thing where I simply can't bear to see someone incapable of defending themselves be hurt, so that entire scene is pure unreasonable emotional reaction for me).

I liked it a lot, so I hope you can manage to get a copy soon.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Unless I'm forgetting something, every time it's mentioned, Alec's off somewhere else, which makes it really hard to guess. I see it either way.

Yeah. I think keeping negative characteristics helps keep a character three-dimensional and interesting. Of course, this could be total bullshit to justify my own love of some seriously unhealthy tendencies. *grins*

[(Anonymous)]

I have PotS as of this afternoon, though I'm only a little way in. I've got past the Year's End at Highcombe section, though. Was that what you were thinking of, as a more unambiguous statement of their relationship?

[threewalls]

That would have been me.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes. I adore that version of the backstory; it fits so well with my own view on Richard's personality.

You could argue that Alec doesn't have enough of a sense of self-perservation to be upset for the obvious reasons, which I could very much see. Though, of course, it might well bother him for an entirely seperate reason.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

(I assummed.)

Yep, that's what I'd meant. Hard to find a more definitive way of deciding if they use the word 'love', huh?

[annnimeee.livejournal.com]

I loved this. The dialog & the way the tension builds in their fight feels like it's straight from the book. Very well-written, very nicely done. Thanks for linking this at the riverside lj comm.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

*grins* Thank you! You're too kind, but I really appreciate it anyway.