Heh.

[brigdh]

I went dancing last night yayyayyaythankgodyay, and now I have a story to tell. Because, well, I never get tired of the strange things people have said to me, and I have so many instances of them. I'm like the patron saint of sudden weirdness!

We went to Axis, which is my favorite club. Its main clientele are gay men, but there's always women there too, and a few straight couples. I was dancing with some guy- and I was telling this theory to someone afterward when we were talking about it, but I never do pay all that much attention to the gender of whoever I happen to be dancing with at the moment. Because to me, dancing isn't necessarily about attraction. It's simply easier and more fun to have a second body there to dance against; it's not sexual. Which, admittedly, is a somewhat harder stance to defend when dancing involves people grabbing your crotch, but I stand by my illogic.

Anyway. I was dancing with a guy, and we had this conversation (although to get the real effect you have to imagine me screaming "huh?" about five times between each line, because I am incapable of hearing anything over the music):

He asked me, "Do you want to kiss?" which, you know, I think had a fairly obvious answer, as he'd tried it several times already and I'd been turning my face away.

"Nope!" I said.

"Oh!" he said.

He sounded sad, or at least as sad as you can sound when you're straining to be heard over a techno beat, so I thought I'd explain. "I'm gay!"

"You're WHAT?"

"Gay!" I said, laughing, because you'd have figured he might expect that in a gay club and all, but whatever, people are stupid.

He shouted, "Why?"

I suppose that's a good, if inappropriate question, and there are all sorts of debates and implications to it that one could discuss. However, 2am on a dancefloor is probably not the best time and place, so I went with the simple version. "Because I like girls!"

Then he told me, "You don't look like it!"

I cracked up at this. I still think it's the stupidest thing I've ever been told, and at the time it made me laugh so hard that I couldn't talk for a while. Not that I had much to say; how do you respond to that? Take it as a compliment? Get offended? Ask what I do look like, then? I put my face up against his shoulder so he couldn't see how hard I was laughing, because when you're confronted with something like that, I feel more embarrassed for the guy than angry. Finally I managed, "Um... okay!"

We danced in silence for a minute or two, which is really the best way. I don't know why anyone tries to have conversations with me on the dance floor. I won't hear you until you've repeated it several times, and even when I managed to understand what you're saying, believe me, no one sounds suave when you screaming directly into my ear. Also: I do not need to know your name. I don't know why everyone wants to tell me their name, because even if I hear it I'm not going to remember it, but everyone, everyone, wants to share that detail. Why do people do that?

Regardless, this guy- who was named Brad or Buddy or something like that- had apparently been thinking deeply. "How do you know?" he said.

"How do you know you're straight?" I said, which is the stock answer to that question, but he must have never heard it before, because he laughed in the same type of surprised, patronizing tone that you might use if someone asked you 'how do you know the world isn't flat?'

And then- TMI warning, I suppose- he started to knead my ass. I do not mean touch, or hold, but knead. Imagine the exact movement you use to make dough. Yeah. Which is just strange, and not really all that pleasant.

So I told him I had to go find a friend, but I'd be right back, really.


Also, you can see how much I'm writing the paper that's due on Monday. I am never going to finish this thing.

Comments

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

"Gay!" I said, laughing, because you'd have figured he might expect that in a gay club and all, but whatever, people are stupid.

ROFL! They sure are.

*Loves*

[catiechu.livejournal.com]

That guy sounds suspiciously like an idiot to me. :X

[kessie.livejournal.com]

LOL! I don't know whether to feel sorry for the guy, or just keep on laughing.

I was actually told once that I couldn't possibly be anything but straight, because I have long hair, am reasonably thin and of around average height. When I asked exactly why, I was told that all bisexual women and lesbians are butch because, subconsciously, less-than-straight women are really attracted to the opposite sex anyway.

At which point, I raised an eyebrow, said, "If you think so," walked away and then stuffed my knuckles in my mouth to avoid howling with laughter.

It was the highlight of my month, to be honest. :D

[mistressrenet.livejournal.com]

LOL! I don't know whether to feel sorry for the guy, or just keep on laughing.
I was conflicted, but then he tried to knead her ass, and the schadenfreude was on, baby.

hee!

[weirdquark]

*giggling*

"How do you know?"

Well, gee. See above: "I like girls!"

*facepalm*

I was at a dance at college and was dancing with a guy I had met in one of my classes. I went to a women's college, but our sister school was coed and they come to our dances and we go to theirs.

So anyway, he was saying something along the lines of looking for a girl to dance with, and had I not been in big sister mode I probably would have been insulted. As it was I was trying not to laugh at him. Which was much harder when he asked me how he could tell if a girl was gay or not. (Because lesbians would pull out the heavy guns if he asked them to dance or something. Axe wielding lesbians! (Do axes come with the toaster?)) So I told him that if he saw two women making out they might be dating, but really? If he wants to ask someone to dance he should just do so. And if she doesn't want to dance with him? She can say no. Which would be true whether or not she's gay.

This sort of thing seemed obvious to me, but apparently everyone doesn't think that way.

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

That guy was a boor and a moron and would have deserved it if you had kneaded his testicles, but this was a GREAT exchange:

He shouted, "Why?"

I suppose that's a good, if inappropriate question, and there are all sorts of debates and implications to it that one could discuss. However, 2am on a dancefloor is probably not the best time and place, so I went with the simple version. "Because I like girls!"

It reminds me of one I had once with the step-father of a friend of mine. (Heavily condensed.)

Me: My boyfriend is fifteen years older than me.

Him: That's sick and disgusting!

Me: Why?

Him: Because it's incest!

Me: No, it isn't.

Him: How can you say it's not incest?

Me: Because we're not related.

[kessie.livejournal.com]

Very, very on. *g*

[katsue_fox]

Oh good grief!!! I don't know whether to laugh or wonder if the guy is actually in possession of a brain!

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Yep, but at least they're usually funny while they're being so. *grins*

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Oh, he totally was. But hey, idiots are always a good source of humor, so I don't mind. ^^

[cyne-dias.livejournal.com]

TMI warning, I suppose- ... Imagine the exact movement you use to make dough.

See, Food Network was on earlier. So my imagination's really hyper when I read this. *cough*

As they said above, schadenfreude indeed. :D

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

I choose to laugh. It makes for better stories, at least. ;)

Ha! I'm so amused by the 'you don't look gay/bi!' people, because they say it straight to your face, completely oblivious to how insulting that could be taken. Although, really, if their theory is that we're all attracted to the opposite sex anyway, I wouldn't think too highly of their intelligence in the first place.

Also, I adore your icon.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

You know, I've heard people say that before. I don't know where it comes from. I've certainly never gotten angry- though, granted, I have weird problems with feeling guilty about turning them done, but that's way more related to me and my own issues than anyone else- and most lesbians/bi girls I know are flattered when guys flirt with them.

I want an axe!

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

I'd laugh- it's obvious that he doesn't have a brain, but that doesn't make it any less funny. ;)

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Nah. I don't need to be cruel to someone as stupid as that- after all, I'm the one with a wonderful story to tell, and he's probably still wondering what happened. *grins*

And ha! That's great.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

*laughs* Your imagination couldn't be too hyper in this instance, trust me. I mean, touching, stroking, holding- any of those would be understandable. But what this guy was doing... I have no idea why he thought that would be at all pleasant or comfortable.

I empathize with bread now. ;)

[p-zeitgeist.livejournal.com]

What I'm still puzzling over is, last time I looked, straight boys who a girl turned down wanted to believe she was gay. You didn't get arguments about it. (In fact, I used to have a theory that the reason so many men thought that any woman who rejected them was gay was that even a straight women who wanted to say no to somebody, without being hassled over it, would tell him she was gay.)

Honestly, what did Brad-or-Buddy want to hear? "No, I'm really not gay, I'm into men; I just don't want you"?

[childofatlantis.livejournal.com]

Funnily enough, when I came out to a friend last year (I was still wandering around as "bi, except, I don't seem to have met any guys I like yet" at that point) she said "Yeah, you look like a bisexual." *amused*

[childofatlantis.livejournal.com]

I expect he was planning to be the Real Man who saved her from a life of unsatisfying not-real-sex with girls by showing her What She Is Missing. ^_^

[weirdquark]

I have an axe! (It belongs to one of my housemates though. Sculpted foam head on a bamboo pole.) It's nice to be prepared.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

*is so jealous*

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

I have a battleaxe. I used to have it hanging over my desk at my office, so people would have to stare at it while they talked to me. If I ever get a real office again (that isn't in my house) I'm putting it back there.

[goddessgrrrrl.livejournal.com]

OMG, I seriously think that you are a magnet for straight men!

In any case, I shall congradulate you on the classy way you handled that situation!

Go you!

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

You know, that's a really good point. My guess would be that it's just surprise; as much as Brad-or-Buddy might be accustomed to telling himself that various women are gay, he probably didn't expect anyone to cheerfully come out and announce herself as gay, particularly if she doesn't fit his sterotypes.

Then again, he didn't strike me as the deep-thinking type, so who knows what he was thinking. *laughs*

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Ha! Now that one I haven't heard. What do you bisexuals look like- halfway between gay and straight? ;)

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

*laughs* It's a talent.

But thank you!

[llorelei.livejournal.com]

Bwahahaha! I love this kind of stuff.

Once I was at this club with a friend and there was this guy who wouldn't leave her alone. He followed her around for a long time until she got so irritated that she pointed at me and told the guy that we were together. The guy turned to her and asks: can I join?

I died.

[wordsofastory.livejournal.com]

Ha! That's one of the best stories I've ever heard. Some people are so stupid.