Creepy Anthropology Guy

[brigdh]

So... right. Where to start?

This quarter, I have a class with creepy Anthropology guy, so called because I can't remember his name (I think it's Anthony...) and, um, he's in one of my Anthropology classes. And the creepy part comes from the fact that there's been touching issues.

Which, see, now we have to digress already. I have touching issues. Because, naturally, I'm very touchy-feely. Touching is a good thing, touching is human nature- well, for a lot of people- and it's just, it's nice. I would quite happily snuggle or sit in someone's lap or freak-dance, without there being any sexual connotation. But where I went to school, all through grade school and all through high school and all through every single person I knew up until college, you did NOT touch. EVER. One of my most vivid memories of my best friend- who I've known since preschool- is when I grabbed her hand in the high school hallway to demonstrate something or other, and she freaked out. Ripped her hand away and made it quite clear that that was NOT okay.

So I don't get the 'rules' of when it is and is not okay to touch. Because I'm so used to it being never. I'm so used to wanting to, feeling like it should, but knowing that it wouldn't be a good idea. Even now, when I would want to touch someone, I assume that I'm just being weirdly overly touchy-feely, and they won't appreciate it, so I stop myself. And the flipside to this is, if someone I don't know well touches me- at all, not matter how slight- it seems to have huge connotations. And, logically, I know it shouldn't, I know some people just touch, and it doesn't bother me at all if I know the person, but when it's someone I'm not familiar with, it just seems to be such a big deal. Because they're touching me. And they don't know me. And I've lived by NEVER TOUCH for too long to really understand 'causal intimacy with strangers'.

Which means that I can't quite read what is inappropriate and what's not. Because any touch feels so weird and extreme to me, it's hard to tell when it actually is. So I usually just let it go, because it's not like I'm hurt, it's not like it's offensive, and I don't want to snap at someone who doesn't deserve it. And so: is creepy Anthropology guy actually creepy? Or is he just naturally touchy? Because if he's just touchy, that's great! That's wonderful! There should be more touchy people! I want to encourage it! But if there's a sexual content to these- then I'm not happy. But I Can't. Tell.

So, I figured- you know, just in case. I'll make a few things clear. I bought a button for my hoodie that says 'Nobody knows I'm gay' (which, as minakochan points out, is kind of silly, since everyone who reads the button will now know) and I've been wearing that for the last month or so. And since maybe the button was small enough for him to miss, I started wearing a rainbow necklace a little over a week ago.

But tonight I got an email from him on the project we're doing together (I did not choose to be with him, btw. It was a 'choose your topic and you'll end up working with whoever else chooses it' sort of thing. Except that he's hinted he picked this topic only because I had). And at the bottom there's this:

Thanks for doing all that you are doing. I really appreciate it. I don't have a lot of spare time because I'm taking so many classes, and I am really glad that you ended up in my group. You are very pretty too.

And this, combined with other creepiness vibes, I just...

I just hate this more than words can say. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone to the point where I can't even think about how I'm going to deal with this, because how is there a way to turn someone down without hurting them? And it's not that he's a bad person. And it had to take courage to write something like that. And I do admire that. And he's... I mean, shit, I don't know. On the one hand, how egocentric of me is it to assume that this even matters? He could not even care. My turning him down is not likely to be the great tragedy of this guy's life. But it would take so much for me to be able to approach someone like this. And what if I did hurt him? I can't stand it. I can't do that. My absolute abhorrence of doing anything that would hurt another person almost makes accepting him a viable option. And really, you know what the sad thing is? The reason that I would never actually go through with it isn't because I don't like him, or that he vaguely creeps me out, or even that I'm a giant dyke. It's because I know I wouldn't be able to last it out. I'd get depressed and withdraw and begin to hate myself and end up doing something far worse and more hurtful than anything I could do right now would be.

I hate this. I hate it when people develop crushes on me when they don't know me. Because I'm not who they think I am. And I don't know why it happens- it's certainly not that I'm really pretty or talkative or funny or witty or amusing or anything else that might stand out. And if they think I am- I just don't understand. Because I'm not, and I might be able to play at it for a while, to fool someone who doesn't know me, but it's not going to last, I'm not capable of making it last. And then it's just weird and awkward and painful, because usually by that time I want them to like me, and they won't. Not anymore. I just get so fucking sick of it sometimes, of not being able to make the connections that everyone else seems so good at it, that seem so natural to everyone else. Of not even being able to hold a fucking conversation.

This has diverted so enormously from the orginal topic, I'm just going to stop. And probably going to delete this later.