DVD commentary
May. 11th, 2006 12:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brigdhI was talking to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ranalore the other night. She mentioned that she was writing up some DVD commentary for one of her stories (which she has since posted, and you all should go read, because it's awesome). And I said, hey, that's cool, I love that meme. I complained that I've been having a lot of trouble writing lately, and wondered if doing some commentary myself might not prove inspirational, so she told me to do "No Missionary Zeal". p_zeitgeist wandered through and pointed out that, maybe, you know, I should do the story I had the most things to say about. Because she's smart like that.
I looked over the various things I've written, and realized that, actually, "No Missionary Zeal" has several things going for it in the DVD commentary vein. Since I wrote them out by hand instead of typing them, my original notes for the story survived the harddrive crash, which is more than many of my stories can say. It's always easier to do this meme when you can refer back to what you were thinking while writing it, instead of just trying to remember. Also, NMZ is one of those stories that started off in one place and ended up somewhere else entirely. Like, on another planet.
"Thy Faithfulness in Destruction" could also provide some interesting results, I think, and I know I wrote out those notes too, but a quick search didn't manage to turn up the right notebook. Maybe another time.
DVD commentary for No Missionary Zeal
NMZ was written for the second round of![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
yaoi_challenge, which means it was based off of a request, though a fairly open one. It's sort of the first Saiyuki story I wrote; I'd written one drabble a few months earlier, to a request of coffeeandink, but this is the first full-length thing, and the first that had Konzen (or Sanzo) in it.
My original idea for the story was much longer, and much more serious and depressing, almost dark, while NMZ ended up being almost humorous. I'd planned it as a series of separate pieces, splitting the Kenren/Konzen scene into four parts that were separated by Konzen/Tenpou scenes. That would have given me both Kenren's POV for an outside look at Konzen, and Konzen's POV for the inside perspective. Because everything is All About Konzen. At least when I write, and given that my requester was Rana, I didn't think she'd mind. The whole thing was to show how Konzen deliberately distances himself from other people, and how he was slowly starting to change.
I like to write out notes when I start a story, as I'm sure I've mentioned before. Not an outline necessarily, but thoughts on how I'm portraying the characters in a particular piece, their motivations, random images, tone, allusions, foreshadowings, etc. I don't do it for drabbles, and most of mystagesoflove challenges have been made up as I went along, but in general, anything I write starts out as a few pages of scribblings to collect my thoughts. Does anyone else do this sort of thing, or am I just weird? I like hearing how other people write, because we all seem to do such different things, but everything turns out all right in the end, no matter how you got there.
Actually, here: I'll type out the notes I have for this story, so you can see the way I work.
yaoi challenge 2
I usually don't title my stories until after I've finished writing them. Figuring out a title is usually the last step before I can post something; there's been plenty of times when I'd finished a story, and typed out the header, and was all ready to upload it to LJ, except I suddenly realized that I needed a name. This story was no exception. "No Missionary Zeal" is a lyric from Sarah Slean's 'Playing Cards with Judas' (I was going to put this up for you to download, but I can't remember where my mp3 is, though I swear I was listening to it just last week), which is one of the songs I had on repeat while writing the story. The entire chorus goes "I have no missionary zeal, I say / No armies fighting sin / But I'll keep playing, I'll keep playing / Until I win". It's a song that strikes me as very fitting for the whole ikkou, if not particularly for this specific story. But I couldn't come up with anything else, and I don't hate it, so, uh, voila.
Konzen held himself too tight, all perfect posture and straight back and straight shoulders and ready muscles, like a walking embodiment of don't-touch-me. Kenren figured it'd be quite a sight if he ever relaxed and let all that stiffness melt into something boneless and sweet.
Obviously this is an early version of the opening paragraph. This is how stories tend to start for me: I get a line, or a few lines, and then the whole process of plotting and writing is just figuring out where the characters said them, and why, and how to get all the lines to fit into one coherent story. This one made it into the finished story after some editing, but with the general idea intact; occasionally they appear in the final draft unaltered from how I first scribbled them down, and sometimes they end up cut completely. I tend to have some idea in mind when I want to write a story- in this case, it would be 'Konzen has issues with connecting to other people'- but these random lines I get are the first real parts. By the way, though this one happened to be the opening line, that's very rare. Usually they're scattered throughout the story.
Pairing: Kenren/Konzen
Konzen/Tenpou
Summary: On a whim, Kenren pays a visit to Tenpou's friend and Goku's guardian. If you wish to include Tenpou in the action, I would not object. At all.
Gotta get down the basics, so I'll remember what I'm supposed to be doing. Sometimes I'll jot down what I expect the rating to be, too.
The eventual demolishing of prisons
is a given. Fire-change, disaster-change,
you can trust that those will come to you.
And a quote from Rumi to round off the more coherent half of my notes. I tend to find quotes very helpful in capturing the mood I want, and this one really got exactly what I was trying to say about Konzen. At least in the first draft, the finished version no longer has anything to do with this. Having quotes also tends to make it easier to come up with a title once I get around to it.
Contrasting scenes:
Konzen/Kenren - Kenren POV. Opening and closing scenes, longer, more straight-forward. Dominate the plot & focus of the story. First time, second meeting. Kenren comes with intent to seduce Konzen. Konzen working. Bickering. Kenren's motives- why?
Konzen/Tenpou - Konzen POV, past tense. Shorter, enclosed within the Konzen/Kenren scenes. To provide contrast. POV more imagery, less actual events. Heavily tied to Konzen's thoughts. Not first time. Undefined time period.
Once I start to sketch out plot events and the feel of the story, these notes probably cease to make sense to anyone but me. And even I occasionally come across an old set of notes and wonder 'What the hell is that supposed to mean?' This is a fairly short set, which probably means that I had a very clear idea of what I wanted to do, and therefore didn't need to work anything out on page. Obviously once I started writing the story, everything changed, but at least at this point, I thought I knew where I was going.
Konzen thoughts: these people, Tenpou, Kenren, even Goku, refuse to leave me alone. Messy, annoying, clinging, demanding attention and time and space, wanting him to care. As if they were that important. But it's a trap, because the more he fights against them, the angrier he gets, the less he's able to deny that he's not distracted.
And random stream-of-consciousness, complete with wildly shifting 1st to 3rd person tense. Why do I always end up shifting tense in the middle of sentences when I do this? I don't know. Anyway, you find this sort of thing in a lot of my notes. It never ever ends up in the story itself, because it's usually very badly written and I won't even like the ideas in it, but I find that poking the character and writing down a logic-chain of their thoughts to be very helpful in getting a feel for them. When I wrote the ikkou-foursome forstagesoflove, I had over five pages of this shit, because I had to do it for each of them, and it took longer before I felt it start to work.
Opening scene- Kenren coming into room, not knocking, lounging against doorframe. Konzen's attempts to ignore him, framed against sunlight from window. Bickering. Konzen calls him on making a booty call. Kenren smirks, "Would that be so bad?" Konzen off-balanced, offended. Insulting, bickering, building, building: Konzen really angry, Kenren getting off on goading him. Kenren kisses him, Konzen hits them, Kenren's head whips around, turns back slowly, grinning through swollen lips. Isn't this more interesting than stamping papers? When Kenren kisses him a second time, Konzen lets him.
2nd scene- Konzen/Tenpou. A mix of memories, no specific scene. Konzen's interest in Tenpou, boredom, cigarette smoke and cherry petals and every perfect day in Heaven filled with the same grubbing, ingratiating idiots. Won't play their games, a choice leaving him with nothing, no interest. Tenpou kisses like a cross between calculating and recklessness.
3rd scene- Kenren/Konzen. Macking. Interrupted by shoving and insults. Ends up against the wall. Kenren's personal insights here- what does he want?
4th scene- Konzen/Tenpou. More random observations, but pornier. Develop more of a coherence, a storyline.
5th scene- Kenren/Konzen. Porn. Kenren blows Konzen, then gets a handjob. Surprised at second- Konzen taking action.
6th scene- Konzen/Tenpou. Very short. Specific scene, in a bed. Afterwards- something sad. A distance. Konzen's isolation. Still can't bring himself to connect with people.
7th scene- Kenren/Konzen. Cleanup, goodbyes. Kenren planning to return. Konzen embarrassed, out of sorts, but not really angry. Distance again, but less. Goku mentioned? And Tenpou said he was boring. I see why he didn't let it stop him.
This is the sort of outline I tend to write. You know, if I had remembered at the start of this that I tend to include terms like 'booty call' and 'macking' in my notes, I think I would have spared my dignity and gone straight to the finished version. Instead you all will just have to enjoy how very classy I am. Anyway, as you can see, I scatter random lines of actual writing in with the more general notes, and often will find something random like where the sunlight's coming from important enough to include.
And that's the end of my notes for this particular story, but it's fairly accurate example of what I normally do when starting to write. I'd find it really interesting if other people posted about how they work.
Konzen held himself too tight, all perfect posture and straight shoulders and rigid back, and he walked like there wasn't a person who could touch him. The way Kenren saw things, anyone with an attitude that prissily arrogant was just begging to get a few feathers ruffled, and maybe a bit more. It wouldn't hurt anyone if Konzen loosened up a little. It'd probably be good for him, in fact. Kenren could see it: that stuffy poise forgotten, the tension drained out of his muscles to leave him relaxed, all that long, pretty hair messed up and sticking to his skin, body boneless and rumpled and naked and preferably spread out on Kenren's bed.
On to the finished version! Like I pointed out earlier, this is the line from my notes, just edited. I guess you could say this bit was sort of the spark for the whole story. Once I had it, everything else followed naturally. I think a large part of it is simply Kenren's voice; I've found that he or Gojyo tend to be the narrators I default to for Saiyuki. There's something that I find almost lyrical in the way he speaks. Don't get me wrong- he's very crude, but he uses a lot of extremely specific metaphors, and it gives his voice this vivid, relaxed quality. Goku is a pretty descriptive speaker too, and I also like doing his voice, but he's more of a babbler. Gojyo is that guy at the bar you've never met before, but who ends up telling you some hour-long story that is completely full of shit and makes no sense, but who tells it so well you end up listening anyway. Not at all like my OTCs; they tend to be very short-spoken, and deliberately ignore the details of light and color I most want to write about.
This reminds me of a conversation I had a few months ago with a real life friend of mine who I'dforced tempted into reading Saiyuki.
Me: So, lately I'm having an existential crisis over my fanfiction. Out of everyone in Saiyuki, Gojyo seems to be the most natural for me to write. Which is fine in itself, but I can't stop wondering what that says about my own way of speaking. I mean, why him? Why the rough, crude, swearing playa and not the nice, polite, educated teacher? Even Sanzo is more formal than Gojyo. Does that mean I speak that way?
Friend: Are you kidding me?
Me: Um... no?
Friend: *bursts out laughing* Child, you are the most ghetto person I know! I cannot believe you're sincerely asking me this. Of course you sound like a playa, you are one.
Me: I am not.
Friend: *embarrassing personal detail I'm not willing to reveal on the internet!*
Me: ...only once.
Friend: So far.
Other person in the car who has never heard of Saiyuki: Wow, I didn't know you could do that.
Me: *brief explanation*
Other person: Okay, yeah. That makes sense.
Friend: See?!
Me: I hate you all.
Regardless, Kenren's voice is the main reason the story turned out how it did instead of how I'd planned. Once he started talking, he didn't want to stop, and next to that, the parts from Konzen's POV were distinctly less interesting.
Which was maybe taking things too far, but if Kenren's imagination was anywhere near reliable, it'd be worth the temper tantrum Konzen was sure to throw. Kenren just had to play his cards right; Konzen wasn't the type of guy to let you get close enough to try a second time. Actually, he wasn't the type of guy to let you get close enough to try the first time, unless you managed to convince him it'd been his own idea.
Kenren didn't bother knocking. It'd only give Konzen the opportunity to ignore him, or worse, lock the door before Kenren could manage to explain to him why it was such a good idea for him to take a break from working right about now. He nudged the door with his foot, letting it fall open into the room while he strolled forward the step necessary to take up position lounging against the doorframe.
Predictably, Konzen was at his desk, doing something that involved far too many papers. He was even worse than Tenpou. In Kenren's experience, most paperwork could be comfortably forgotten. If the higher-ups wanted it badly enough, they'd do it themselves.
Like practically all of my stories, NMZ was written in a hurry to meet a deadline, and I think it really shows in these paragraphs. There's a few spots later in the story that have a rushed feel to them, too, but it really stands out to me here. Phoebe beta'd for me, and she did a wonderful job with catching several things I didn't notice, but I think this sort of problem is one that can't be pointed out by a beta, because there's nothing actually wrong. There's a feeling I get when you can tell the words haven't gotten the individual attention they should have. It's just... the flow feels too fast to me. Too many long sentences, or something. I can't put my finger exactly on what it is, except that it annoys me, and it's one of those things you can't see yourself until you've put the story down for a while and come back to it later.
Konzen's head lifted with the sound of the door opening. He didn't look like he was in a good mood. Kenren smiled at him, but that just seemed to make things worse: Konzen's eyes narrowed the fraction needed to turn his glare into something deadly. It was a good look for him, all intense and focused. With a look like that turned on him, Kenren almost wanted to preen. The window behind the desk still wasn't fixed from their baseball game, though the shattered glass had been cleaned away. Late morning sunlight spilled through, balmy with sunshine and heaven's eternal spring weather, highlighting strands of Konzen's hair and turning his white robes to a warm ivory. It'd have been a picture to comfort a lonely heart in the middle of the night, if not for the vein twitching in Konzen's temple and the thin white line of his lips. "What do you want?" he finally snapped, apparently having come to the conclusion that even his worst look wasn't enough to cause Kenren to spontaneously combust.
One of the annoying things about writing for Gaiden is that the time when all four of the characters know each other is actually very short. I didn't realize it until I wrote this story, but Konzen and Kenren meet for the first time at the festival for the Emperor's birthday. They seem to sort of know of each other earlier, but they've never seen one another before that. And after that, it's only a few months- or maybe even weeks- until Goku flips out and everything goes to hell. So the space in which you can set relatively peaceful stories is very circumscribed. There's no time for a long courtship, unless you want its culmination to be in a barricaded house with hostages in the other rooms.
I might have written the story otherwise if I hadn't had to deal with that. But since I wanted there to be some time afterwards for everyone to be happy (even if I had no intention of actually writing that part), I made a point of specifically setting it very early on. The baseball game was the same day as the Emperor's festival, and I doubt Konzen would let a broken window go unfixed for long.
Kenren shrugged. "Just thought I'd stop by, visit, touch base with an old friend. That sort of thing. You're not busy, are you?"
"Yes."
"Ah, good. I didn't want to catch you at a bad time." Konzen didn't look like he appreciated the joke. Kenren would have to start spending more time around him; eventually some sense of humor had to rub off. Not that it'd be a hardship; irritating Konzen was already proving to be far more interesting than most of the things there were to do around heaven. If Kenren had known sooner that the bureaucrats were hiding a find like this in their ranks, he might have done a bit more of that paperwork.
Konzen's mouth twitched a little, as though he would have said something inappropriate but managed to catch himself before it escaped. "Go away, General Kenren," he said, dropping his eyes dismissively back to the papers on his desk. "I don't have the time for this. If you need to engage in mindless games, go find Goku. I'm sure the two of you are more suited to one another."
Man, I really like writing Kenren's dialogue, especially when he's talking to Konzen- or Gojyo's when he's talking to Sanzo, whatever. They know how to piss each other off so well. Looking back on this, I'm not sure how accurately I got their voices. It could probably have stood some more edited, but I love writing it.
Kenren ambled over to the desk, taking his time as he considered his options. Every second he spent not leaving was sure to annoy Konzen that much more, but that was merely a fun extra. He could head out now and come back another time, wear Konzen's guard down slowly and carefully without the man even realizing what was happening. Or he could retreat temporarily to try again when Konzen was in a more receptive frame of mind, sweetened up by his pet or Tenpou. Use some strategy, tact, keep his eye on the goal instead of gambling everything the first chance he had just because he liked how fiercely angry Konzen could get.
But then, Kenren knew himself well enough to know that he wasn't any good at patience. He might be a rude, tasteless clown, but at least he was honest about what he wanted. Planting a hand on the paragraph Konzen was reading- or pretending to- he leaned his weight on it, draping himself over the desk at an angle that approached indecency. "I don't think the monkey would appreciate what I have in mind," he drawled, heavy-lidded and leering, letting innuendo coat his words like honey.
Konzen stood up too quickly, his chair clattering clumsily backwards and nearly falling. "Get out," he growled, looking down at Kenren with his face twisted in disgust.
The disadvantage of setting this story so early in the Gaiden timeline is that it forces the relationship to go from 0 to sex very, very fast. Which isn't really a problem for Kenren, but can be for Konzen. This story probably doesn't work if your personal fanon has Konzen as a virgin; I can go either way on the issue, but for this to be believable, you'll have to assume that he's at least not adverse to the concept of sex. In these paragraphs, I was trying to build the case that it might Kenren might well be capable of provoking Konzen to an extreme reaction quickly. It probably should be clearer, because you can find less subtle flirting between them in canon and Konzen is more mellow then, but I always like it when characters understand each other without speaking directly. Konzen takes Kenren seriously because Kenren is serious, and they both know that.
"Wait a minute, now," Kenren said. "It'd be rude to throw me out without at least offering tea. Consider the offer."
I wish I'd noticed that I used 'offer' twice, only four words apart, before posting this.
If Konzen had been annoyed before, he was really angry now, all that irritability and boredom which normally dominated his expression wiped out by pure, full-blown rage. Kenren sincerely hoped that Konzen wouldn't be too stubborn about this, because he didn't think he could manage to wait the week it looked like it would take him to calm down.
"I don't need to consider anything," Konzen took a step back from the desk, hands fisted by his sides. "Get out. Tenpou may think your insolence is cute, but I won't be casually propositioned by a worthless idiot. Don't presume again to talk to me as if we were friends. I don't want anything to do with you. As far as I'm concerned, you're just another one of the greedy, sycophantic hangers-on, filling your time with gossip and pointless maneuvering. And I am not some adolescent girl to be seduced in my own rooms."
Kenren paused, letting him catch his breath after that speech. Watching Konzen get mad was like watching lightening strike: even if it hit you, you couldn't help but admire the light and power. And Kenren had never been one to wait out the flash hiding under his covers; he wanted to be right in the center of the storm.
This is the longest speech that Konzen makes in the whole story, and so it was the only chance I had to give some of what he's feeling directly. I desperately wanted to capture the way he (and Sanzo) can occasionally say something so true and so acidic that it's searing, but I seem to just not have that capacity for eloquent rage. This speech is probably the most heavily edited paragraph in the entire story, and I could not get it to work well enough. Eventually I added in Kenren's admiration; I figured that if I couldn't get the actual feel of what such a speech should be, if I had the other character reacting as if I had, I might manage to fool a few readers as well.
After what seemed exactly enough time for Konzen to start to feel the slightest bit better, Kenren grinned in a way designed to piss him off again. "Not like an adolescent girl. For one thing, that wouldn't be nearly as much fun. But if it makes you feel better, we could go to my rooms and you could seduce me."
Konzen blinked in surprise, silent while he floundered for something acidic enough to express himself, and Kenren pressed on while he had the advantage. "Is it such a bad thing that I want to sleep with you? Try to enjoy yourself, and you might not be such an unsociable prick. Stranger things have happened."
For me, this is one of the central lines of the whole story, and it wasn't until I stumbled over it that I could make everything that comes afterward work. Sure, it's a lot of fun to write the snarky dialogue- and boy do I love hatesex (...what the hell, spellcheck? 'Snarky' isn't a word, but 'hatesex' is? Who programmed this? I guess the Abiword designers get up to some interesting things)- but for the pairing to function, you've got to have that moment of actual concern that slips in. Not that they don't mean the snark, or that they're only teasing, because I do think they're both often looking to draw blood, it's just even with all the anger, there's some affection. Though of course you have to phrase it as aggressively as possible, because neither Konzen nor Kenren would ever admit to caring about each other.
Konzen moved out from behind the desk and Kenren caught him by the arm before he could do something as drastic as abandon his own office. Particularly since he was most likely heading for some sort of weapon. "Let go of me," he said, though with less venom than might be expected. Kenren figured it'd be a waste of time to hold out for a better opening, so he went ahead and kissed him before he could think better of it. Konzen recoiled back and shoved him away simultaneously, and then punched him. Kenren had been taking a step back to recover his balance, and the blow glanced along his chin, not hurting nearly as much as it could have. He cracked his jaw back into place, touching his fingertips to what would be a bruise tomorrow. Konzen watched him without saying anything, looking like he was more surprised than anything, and trying to hide it with a scowl.
Kenren smirked with the side of his mouth that didn't hurt. "At least it's more interesting than stamping forms."
When Kenren moved to kiss him a second time, Konzen was already stepping forward.
But affection seems to make Konzen uncomfortable, so he reacts in the good old flight and fight method. Fortunately, a challenge makes himangry relaxed enough to be willing to stick around.
He didn't kiss any nicer than he talked, the bitchy, sanctimonious shit, tangling a hand in Kenren's hair and using it to yank his head to a new angle. He kept his other hand flat on Kenren's chest, keeping him from closing in that final inch. Kenren couldn't decide what he wanted to touch first: all that soft golden hair, or the thin, pale skin in the dip above the collarbone and below the neck, or the lean torso hidden away under too much cloth, so he went for it all, long strokes that covered everything and raised goosebumps on Konzen's arms.
Kenren tried to back Konzen up against the wonderfully nearby, thankfully steady wall, and actually managed it after a few times, despite the threat snarled against the corner of his mouth. Kenren shoved closer; Konzen tried to step back again, but with nowhere left to go he was pressed between the wall and Kenren, breathing short and sharp as he struggled to hold himself still, stubborn to the last. He grunted something unfriendly deep in his throat as he gave in, hips rolling to meet Kenren's, physical evidence proving his reluctance false.
Kenren kissed his way down Konzen's pretty neck, picturing how it would look with a few marks on a morning after, an image helped tremendously by Konzen's stuttered panting and half-stifled gasps hot against his ear. He brushed aside the skirt of that irritatingly long tunic and traced the line of the zipper of the pants underneath, teasing with light fingertips on the metal strip. Konzen bucked, and Kenren laughed as he left open-mouthed kisses on the bare skin between Konzen's shoulder covering and the start of his gloves. He dragged his fingers once more down the zipper, ignoring Konzen's swearing, pressing the pads of his fingers harder this time, before rubbing the whole width of his palm against the stiffness increasingly obvious within. Konzen rewarded him with a breathy "hell", and tightened his fingers in Kenren's hair.
Um, yes, porn. I write this. Often.
Also, what is the part of the robe that goes over your shoulder called, since I'm sure the actual term is not 'shoulder covering'. It's not a sleeve, it's not the neck. I couldn't figure it out, and google wasn't any help.
Kenren kissed him again, curling in his fingers to cup Konzen and stroking the hard heel of his hand up and down roughly. Konzen ground into his palm fervently, shoulders hitting the wall as he arched his back, flustered and mindless and completely undignified. A job well done, Kenren congratulated himself, but Konzen opened his eyes just enough to glare. "Stop fucking around," he ordered through lips too red and swollen and nice to belong to such an asshole.
Kenren dropped to his knees, sliding down the zipper as he went. Konzen's dick slid free with barely any help, and Kenren wrapped his lips around only the head, the bitter salt taste of precome filling his mouth. He swirled his tongue over the tip, working the rest with his hand. Konzen was looking at him, eyes wide and lips wet and mouth open just a little, for once too surprised to say anything at all, and Kenren felt himself hardening just from watching.
He backed off, licking up the sides instead of taking it in his mouth, softly tracing the thick vein on the underside with the tip of his tongue. Konzen tasted like clean things, soap and sheets and freshly laundered clothes, and best of all a musky, damp scent that was heaviest in the short hair at the root of his dick.
Konzen was making lovely little noises low in his throat, and Kenren swallowed as much as he could take just to see Konzen's adam's apple bob as he choked on air. The linen-like material of Konzen's tunic sat heavy on Kenren's shoulder, draped warm against his ear and the side of his face where he'd pushed it out of the way. He shoved it back again and slid his hand up Konzen's thigh in the same movement, drawing his fingers up the muscle that he could feel tensing and relaxing against his palm, shivering unsteadily. Konzen's fingers in his hair followed that rhythm, tugging on his scalp without focus.
Konzen's dick was heavy in his mouth, filling it, thick pressure against his tongue and hot tight skin between his lips. Kenren couldn't quite keep himself from grinning, as much as he could around his mouthful; he was enjoying himself far too much. Konzen shuddered and jerkily began to move his hips, shallowly fucking Kenren's mouth.
Wow. I'd forgotten how graphic this was. I go through phases, you know, where I decide that I've been writing too much porn and will actively seek to avoid it in my stories. And after I've done that for a while, I end up writing something like this. This story was where I decided to try writing a graphic blowjob, to see if I could. It's not something I've ever done myself, so I wanted to see if I could describe it accurately and have it be both believable and hot, and to try and portray the mind of a character who is experienced at this, and who enjoys it.
By the way, I wrote these paragraphs the day before I had to leave to go to Nevada; I thought that I would have all day to work on the story, but I'd forgotten that I had a dentist appointment. My brother had one too, so he drove us there, and my laptop came with. Yes, the most graphic, explicit sex scene I've probably ever written was typed out with my computer in my lap, driving through an old, fancy, respectful section of town, sitting next to my baby brother.
It sure is useful to have no shame, let me tell you.
Kenren helped him along, sucking for all he was worth each time Konzen pulled back, fingers creeping up and curling around the waistline of his pants to tug him forward again. He dropped his other hand to his lap, scrambling to get his zipper open and a hand wrapped around his dick, already aching with the need for some friction and pressure of his own. Kenren usually didn't get hard just from sucking dick, but Konzen was so good to look at, cheeks flushed and eyes nearly all pupil. His stomach muscles, right there in front of Kenren's nose, were fluttering quickly, matching the effort Konzen was putting into trying to catch his breath.
He mumbled something incoherent and those muscles tightened, and then he was coming. Kenren kept him in his mouth until he'd caught the last of it, Konzen's fingers in his hair pulling and finally loosening, lying against his scalp like long streaks of heat. Settling back on his heels, he wiped his lips clean with his thumb and set to work on catching up, stroking himself with a quick, expert hand. Konzen was right there to admire still, slouched against the wall with knees bent like he couldn't bother to hold himself up, eyes closed, a stray strand of hair slicked to his cheek by sweat, and Kenren didn't want to let that sight go to waste.
Kenren slowed down, wanting to last; he was having too much fun to finish quickly. Konzen opened his eyes to slits and stared down, a bare glimmer of purple visible beneath his heavy lids. Another slow curl of tension slipped down Kenren's spine and settled low in his belly at that regard; he smirked upwards and Konzen's fine eyebrows drew together in irritation. He slid down the wall to Kenren's level, balancing with one knee against the floor, and reached out to wrap his hand around Kenren's.
I didn't want to leave Kenren hanging; in my stories, everyone gets off!
There are several reasons why NMZ turned out so different from my original intention- Kenren's voice, lack of time. The fact that oogling Konzen is much more fun than being serious and angsty didn't hurt.
"Ah," Kenren said, voice only slightly unsteady. He licked his lips, swallowing hard. "I didn't think you'd dirty yourself, Konzen-sama."
Konzen's lips lifted in a sneer, fingers threading through Kenren's to trace the skin beneath. "I don't want you to think I owe you a favor."
I like these lines a lot; it seems very much like something they'd say. They're both very good at rationalizing it away when they do something nice.
It just wasn't fair for Konzen to say something like that so cruelly, as if he didn’t know Kenren would hear those words and see Konzen sucking *his* dick, nasty mouth put to good use for once and cheeks hollowed and little traces of wetness at the corners of his mouth. Kenren huffed a laugh through open lips, the skin on his legs and stomach feeling tight and itchy, and let his hand fall away. Konzen hesitated briefly, tentative, before closing his fingers confidently in a tight fist around the base. Kenren felt the strain deep in his guts and balls, building like a fire. Watching Konzen didn't help, a drop of sweat beaded on one of those high cheekbones, proper white robes wrinkled and disheveled, and Kenren felt it like a trembling on the inside of his thighs. It wasn't any better closing his eyes, because all he could see in the darkness behind his eyelids was Konzen's thin white fingers wrapped around his reddening dick, moving and moving and circling the base and flickering across the tip and too, too much.
"Huh," Kenren said, and unclenched his fists.
I hate writing orgasms. I was trying to do something different than usual here; to see if I couldn't mimic the feel just with physical description and the beat of the words. I wanted to get across the idea without needing to resort to just coming out and saying it, or using the old cliches we all know: white light, cresting, a burst. Looking at it now, I think it could be done amazingly, but I don't know if I managed it here. I like it regardless, because normally orgasm drives me crazy in my writing, and this is better than a lot of my attempts.
These paragraphs were written while having lunch in a deli, in case you're wondering. Trying to type while simultaneously keeping anyone else from seeing the screen is fun.
Konzen held his hand away from himself fastidiously, shaking it slightly; Kenren watched him until his heart settled back to a normal rhythm, then caught him by the wrist. Konzen allowed him to bring the sticky fingers to his mouth, cleaning his own astringent trace off that well-bred hand, swiping his tongue up the sides of the fingers and dipping into the lines of the palm. Konzen studied him wordlessly, lips a thin annoyed line but something wanting watching from behind his eyes.
Kenren swiped the flat of his tongue a final time across the heel of Konzen's hand and lifted his face, catching Konzen by the back of the neck and pulling him in for a kiss, his mouth still full of his own sourness. Konzen's mouth opened as he steadied himself with his wet hand against Kenren's forearm, and Kenren wondered what he tasted through the warmth and damp, thought of his come in Konzen's mouth. He sure as hell hoped he'd been wrong about only getting one chance, because he was going to have to try this again.
And to think that Tenpou'd said he was boring.
I also dislike writing endings. They always feel so arbitrary to me; obviously there's always more than happens afterwards, so how do you find the point where the readers know everything they need, without going on for too long? I tried here to give a little of how I see the interaction between Kenren and Konzen working; they're both more relaxed and open than they were at the beginning of the story. I think the line about 'something wanting' might be too much, but I was going for a bittersweet feel. After all, though they don't know it, we as readers all know that the characters are going to die soon, the poor boys. There's almost something inherently bittersweet about Gaiden because of that. Hard as they try, they only have so much time to change before it's too late.
The last line was my attempt to bring back the humor and general upbeat mood of most of the story.
ranalore the other night. She mentioned that she was writing up some DVD commentary for one of her stories (which she has since posted, and you all should go read, because it's awesome). And I said, hey, that's cool, I love that meme. I complained that I've been having a lot of trouble writing lately, and wondered if doing some commentary myself might not prove inspirational, so she told me to do "No Missionary Zeal". p_zeitgeist wandered through and pointed out that, maybe, you know, I should do the story I had the most things to say about. Because she's smart like that. I looked over the various things I've written, and realized that, actually, "No Missionary Zeal" has several things going for it in the DVD commentary vein. Since I wrote them out by hand instead of typing them, my original notes for the story survived the harddrive crash, which is more than many of my stories can say. It's always easier to do this meme when you can refer back to what you were thinking while writing it, instead of just trying to remember. Also, NMZ is one of those stories that started off in one place and ended up somewhere else entirely. Like, on another planet.
"Thy Faithfulness in Destruction" could also provide some interesting results, I think, and I know I wrote out those notes too, but a quick search didn't manage to turn up the right notebook. Maybe another time.
DVD commentary for No Missionary Zeal
NMZ was written for the second round of
yaoi_challenge, which means it was based off of a request, though a fairly open one. It's sort of the first Saiyuki story I wrote; I'd written one drabble a few months earlier, to a request of coffeeandink, but this is the first full-length thing, and the first that had Konzen (or Sanzo) in it. My original idea for the story was much longer, and much more serious and depressing, almost dark, while NMZ ended up being almost humorous. I'd planned it as a series of separate pieces, splitting the Kenren/Konzen scene into four parts that were separated by Konzen/Tenpou scenes. That would have given me both Kenren's POV for an outside look at Konzen, and Konzen's POV for the inside perspective. Because everything is All About Konzen. At least when I write, and given that my requester was Rana, I didn't think she'd mind. The whole thing was to show how Konzen deliberately distances himself from other people, and how he was slowly starting to change.
I like to write out notes when I start a story, as I'm sure I've mentioned before. Not an outline necessarily, but thoughts on how I'm portraying the characters in a particular piece, their motivations, random images, tone, allusions, foreshadowings, etc. I don't do it for drabbles, and most of my
stagesoflove challenges have been made up as I went along, but in general, anything I write starts out as a few pages of scribblings to collect my thoughts. Does anyone else do this sort of thing, or am I just weird? I like hearing how other people write, because we all seem to do such different things, but everything turns out all right in the end, no matter how you got there.Actually, here: I'll type out the notes I have for this story, so you can see the way I work.
yaoi challenge 2
I usually don't title my stories until after I've finished writing them. Figuring out a title is usually the last step before I can post something; there's been plenty of times when I'd finished a story, and typed out the header, and was all ready to upload it to LJ, except I suddenly realized that I needed a name. This story was no exception. "No Missionary Zeal" is a lyric from Sarah Slean's 'Playing Cards with Judas' (I was going to put this up for you to download, but I can't remember where my mp3 is, though I swear I was listening to it just last week), which is one of the songs I had on repeat while writing the story. The entire chorus goes "I have no missionary zeal, I say / No armies fighting sin / But I'll keep playing, I'll keep playing / Until I win". It's a song that strikes me as very fitting for the whole ikkou, if not particularly for this specific story. But I couldn't come up with anything else, and I don't hate it, so, uh, voila.
Konzen held himself too tight, all perfect posture and straight back and straight shoulders and ready muscles, like a walking embodiment of don't-touch-me. Kenren figured it'd be quite a sight if he ever relaxed and let all that stiffness melt into something boneless and sweet.
Obviously this is an early version of the opening paragraph. This is how stories tend to start for me: I get a line, or a few lines, and then the whole process of plotting and writing is just figuring out where the characters said them, and why, and how to get all the lines to fit into one coherent story. This one made it into the finished story after some editing, but with the general idea intact; occasionally they appear in the final draft unaltered from how I first scribbled them down, and sometimes they end up cut completely. I tend to have some idea in mind when I want to write a story- in this case, it would be 'Konzen has issues with connecting to other people'- but these random lines I get are the first real parts. By the way, though this one happened to be the opening line, that's very rare. Usually they're scattered throughout the story.
Pairing: Kenren/Konzen
Konzen/Tenpou
Summary: On a whim, Kenren pays a visit to Tenpou's friend and Goku's guardian. If you wish to include Tenpou in the action, I would not object. At all.
Gotta get down the basics, so I'll remember what I'm supposed to be doing. Sometimes I'll jot down what I expect the rating to be, too.
The eventual demolishing of prisons
is a given. Fire-change, disaster-change,
you can trust that those will come to you.
And a quote from Rumi to round off the more coherent half of my notes. I tend to find quotes very helpful in capturing the mood I want, and this one really got exactly what I was trying to say about Konzen. At least in the first draft, the finished version no longer has anything to do with this. Having quotes also tends to make it easier to come up with a title once I get around to it.
Contrasting scenes:
Konzen/Kenren - Kenren POV. Opening and closing scenes, longer, more straight-forward. Dominate the plot & focus of the story. First time, second meeting. Kenren comes with intent to seduce Konzen. Konzen working. Bickering. Kenren's motives- why?
Konzen/Tenpou - Konzen POV, past tense. Shorter, enclosed within the Konzen/Kenren scenes. To provide contrast. POV more imagery, less actual events. Heavily tied to Konzen's thoughts. Not first time. Undefined time period.
Once I start to sketch out plot events and the feel of the story, these notes probably cease to make sense to anyone but me. And even I occasionally come across an old set of notes and wonder 'What the hell is that supposed to mean?' This is a fairly short set, which probably means that I had a very clear idea of what I wanted to do, and therefore didn't need to work anything out on page. Obviously once I started writing the story, everything changed, but at least at this point, I thought I knew where I was going.
Konzen thoughts: these people, Tenpou, Kenren, even Goku, refuse to leave me alone. Messy, annoying, clinging, demanding attention and time and space, wanting him to care. As if they were that important. But it's a trap, because the more he fights against them, the angrier he gets, the less he's able to deny that he's not distracted.
And random stream-of-consciousness, complete with wildly shifting 1st to 3rd person tense. Why do I always end up shifting tense in the middle of sentences when I do this? I don't know. Anyway, you find this sort of thing in a lot of my notes. It never ever ends up in the story itself, because it's usually very badly written and I won't even like the ideas in it, but I find that poking the character and writing down a logic-chain of their thoughts to be very helpful in getting a feel for them. When I wrote the ikkou-foursome for
stagesoflove, I had over five pages of this shit, because I had to do it for each of them, and it took longer before I felt it start to work.Opening scene- Kenren coming into room, not knocking, lounging against doorframe. Konzen's attempts to ignore him, framed against sunlight from window. Bickering. Konzen calls him on making a booty call. Kenren smirks, "Would that be so bad?" Konzen off-balanced, offended. Insulting, bickering, building, building: Konzen really angry, Kenren getting off on goading him. Kenren kisses him, Konzen hits them, Kenren's head whips around, turns back slowly, grinning through swollen lips. Isn't this more interesting than stamping papers? When Kenren kisses him a second time, Konzen lets him.
2nd scene- Konzen/Tenpou. A mix of memories, no specific scene. Konzen's interest in Tenpou, boredom, cigarette smoke and cherry petals and every perfect day in Heaven filled with the same grubbing, ingratiating idiots. Won't play their games, a choice leaving him with nothing, no interest. Tenpou kisses like a cross between calculating and recklessness.
3rd scene- Kenren/Konzen. Macking. Interrupted by shoving and insults. Ends up against the wall. Kenren's personal insights here- what does he want?
4th scene- Konzen/Tenpou. More random observations, but pornier. Develop more of a coherence, a storyline.
5th scene- Kenren/Konzen. Porn. Kenren blows Konzen, then gets a handjob. Surprised at second- Konzen taking action.
6th scene- Konzen/Tenpou. Very short. Specific scene, in a bed. Afterwards- something sad. A distance. Konzen's isolation. Still can't bring himself to connect with people.
7th scene- Kenren/Konzen. Cleanup, goodbyes. Kenren planning to return. Konzen embarrassed, out of sorts, but not really angry. Distance again, but less. Goku mentioned? And Tenpou said he was boring. I see why he didn't let it stop him.
This is the sort of outline I tend to write. You know, if I had remembered at the start of this that I tend to include terms like 'booty call' and 'macking' in my notes, I think I would have spared my dignity and gone straight to the finished version. Instead you all will just have to enjoy how very classy I am. Anyway, as you can see, I scatter random lines of actual writing in with the more general notes, and often will find something random like where the sunlight's coming from important enough to include.
And that's the end of my notes for this particular story, but it's fairly accurate example of what I normally do when starting to write. I'd find it really interesting if other people posted about how they work.
Konzen held himself too tight, all perfect posture and straight shoulders and rigid back, and he walked like there wasn't a person who could touch him. The way Kenren saw things, anyone with an attitude that prissily arrogant was just begging to get a few feathers ruffled, and maybe a bit more. It wouldn't hurt anyone if Konzen loosened up a little. It'd probably be good for him, in fact. Kenren could see it: that stuffy poise forgotten, the tension drained out of his muscles to leave him relaxed, all that long, pretty hair messed up and sticking to his skin, body boneless and rumpled and naked and preferably spread out on Kenren's bed.
On to the finished version! Like I pointed out earlier, this is the line from my notes, just edited. I guess you could say this bit was sort of the spark for the whole story. Once I had it, everything else followed naturally. I think a large part of it is simply Kenren's voice; I've found that he or Gojyo tend to be the narrators I default to for Saiyuki. There's something that I find almost lyrical in the way he speaks. Don't get me wrong- he's very crude, but he uses a lot of extremely specific metaphors, and it gives his voice this vivid, relaxed quality. Goku is a pretty descriptive speaker too, and I also like doing his voice, but he's more of a babbler. Gojyo is that guy at the bar you've never met before, but who ends up telling you some hour-long story that is completely full of shit and makes no sense, but who tells it so well you end up listening anyway. Not at all like my OTCs; they tend to be very short-spoken, and deliberately ignore the details of light and color I most want to write about.
This reminds me of a conversation I had a few months ago with a real life friend of mine who I'd
Me: So, lately I'm having an existential crisis over my fanfiction. Out of everyone in Saiyuki, Gojyo seems to be the most natural for me to write. Which is fine in itself, but I can't stop wondering what that says about my own way of speaking. I mean, why him? Why the rough, crude, swearing playa and not the nice, polite, educated teacher? Even Sanzo is more formal than Gojyo. Does that mean I speak that way?
Friend: Are you kidding me?
Me: Um... no?
Friend: *bursts out laughing* Child, you are the most ghetto person I know! I cannot believe you're sincerely asking me this. Of course you sound like a playa, you are one.
Me: I am not.
Friend: *embarrassing personal detail I'm not willing to reveal on the internet!*
Me: ...only once.
Friend: So far.
Other person in the car who has never heard of Saiyuki: Wow, I didn't know you could do that.
Me: *brief explanation*
Other person: Okay, yeah. That makes sense.
Friend: See?!
Me: I hate you all.
Regardless, Kenren's voice is the main reason the story turned out how it did instead of how I'd planned. Once he started talking, he didn't want to stop, and next to that, the parts from Konzen's POV were distinctly less interesting.
Which was maybe taking things too far, but if Kenren's imagination was anywhere near reliable, it'd be worth the temper tantrum Konzen was sure to throw. Kenren just had to play his cards right; Konzen wasn't the type of guy to let you get close enough to try a second time. Actually, he wasn't the type of guy to let you get close enough to try the first time, unless you managed to convince him it'd been his own idea.
Kenren didn't bother knocking. It'd only give Konzen the opportunity to ignore him, or worse, lock the door before Kenren could manage to explain to him why it was such a good idea for him to take a break from working right about now. He nudged the door with his foot, letting it fall open into the room while he strolled forward the step necessary to take up position lounging against the doorframe.
Predictably, Konzen was at his desk, doing something that involved far too many papers. He was even worse than Tenpou. In Kenren's experience, most paperwork could be comfortably forgotten. If the higher-ups wanted it badly enough, they'd do it themselves.
Like practically all of my stories, NMZ was written in a hurry to meet a deadline, and I think it really shows in these paragraphs. There's a few spots later in the story that have a rushed feel to them, too, but it really stands out to me here. Phoebe beta'd for me, and she did a wonderful job with catching several things I didn't notice, but I think this sort of problem is one that can't be pointed out by a beta, because there's nothing actually wrong. There's a feeling I get when you can tell the words haven't gotten the individual attention they should have. It's just... the flow feels too fast to me. Too many long sentences, or something. I can't put my finger exactly on what it is, except that it annoys me, and it's one of those things you can't see yourself until you've put the story down for a while and come back to it later.
Konzen's head lifted with the sound of the door opening. He didn't look like he was in a good mood. Kenren smiled at him, but that just seemed to make things worse: Konzen's eyes narrowed the fraction needed to turn his glare into something deadly. It was a good look for him, all intense and focused. With a look like that turned on him, Kenren almost wanted to preen. The window behind the desk still wasn't fixed from their baseball game, though the shattered glass had been cleaned away. Late morning sunlight spilled through, balmy with sunshine and heaven's eternal spring weather, highlighting strands of Konzen's hair and turning his white robes to a warm ivory. It'd have been a picture to comfort a lonely heart in the middle of the night, if not for the vein twitching in Konzen's temple and the thin white line of his lips. "What do you want?" he finally snapped, apparently having come to the conclusion that even his worst look wasn't enough to cause Kenren to spontaneously combust.
One of the annoying things about writing for Gaiden is that the time when all four of the characters know each other is actually very short. I didn't realize it until I wrote this story, but Konzen and Kenren meet for the first time at the festival for the Emperor's birthday. They seem to sort of know of each other earlier, but they've never seen one another before that. And after that, it's only a few months- or maybe even weeks- until Goku flips out and everything goes to hell. So the space in which you can set relatively peaceful stories is very circumscribed. There's no time for a long courtship, unless you want its culmination to be in a barricaded house with hostages in the other rooms.
I might have written the story otherwise if I hadn't had to deal with that. But since I wanted there to be some time afterwards for everyone to be happy (even if I had no intention of actually writing that part), I made a point of specifically setting it very early on. The baseball game was the same day as the Emperor's festival, and I doubt Konzen would let a broken window go unfixed for long.
Kenren shrugged. "Just thought I'd stop by, visit, touch base with an old friend. That sort of thing. You're not busy, are you?"
"Yes."
"Ah, good. I didn't want to catch you at a bad time." Konzen didn't look like he appreciated the joke. Kenren would have to start spending more time around him; eventually some sense of humor had to rub off. Not that it'd be a hardship; irritating Konzen was already proving to be far more interesting than most of the things there were to do around heaven. If Kenren had known sooner that the bureaucrats were hiding a find like this in their ranks, he might have done a bit more of that paperwork.
Konzen's mouth twitched a little, as though he would have said something inappropriate but managed to catch himself before it escaped. "Go away, General Kenren," he said, dropping his eyes dismissively back to the papers on his desk. "I don't have the time for this. If you need to engage in mindless games, go find Goku. I'm sure the two of you are more suited to one another."
Man, I really like writing Kenren's dialogue, especially when he's talking to Konzen- or Gojyo's when he's talking to Sanzo, whatever. They know how to piss each other off so well. Looking back on this, I'm not sure how accurately I got their voices. It could probably have stood some more edited, but I love writing it.
Kenren ambled over to the desk, taking his time as he considered his options. Every second he spent not leaving was sure to annoy Konzen that much more, but that was merely a fun extra. He could head out now and come back another time, wear Konzen's guard down slowly and carefully without the man even realizing what was happening. Or he could retreat temporarily to try again when Konzen was in a more receptive frame of mind, sweetened up by his pet or Tenpou. Use some strategy, tact, keep his eye on the goal instead of gambling everything the first chance he had just because he liked how fiercely angry Konzen could get.
But then, Kenren knew himself well enough to know that he wasn't any good at patience. He might be a rude, tasteless clown, but at least he was honest about what he wanted. Planting a hand on the paragraph Konzen was reading- or pretending to- he leaned his weight on it, draping himself over the desk at an angle that approached indecency. "I don't think the monkey would appreciate what I have in mind," he drawled, heavy-lidded and leering, letting innuendo coat his words like honey.
Konzen stood up too quickly, his chair clattering clumsily backwards and nearly falling. "Get out," he growled, looking down at Kenren with his face twisted in disgust.
The disadvantage of setting this story so early in the Gaiden timeline is that it forces the relationship to go from 0 to sex very, very fast. Which isn't really a problem for Kenren, but can be for Konzen. This story probably doesn't work if your personal fanon has Konzen as a virgin; I can go either way on the issue, but for this to be believable, you'll have to assume that he's at least not adverse to the concept of sex. In these paragraphs, I was trying to build the case that it might Kenren might well be capable of provoking Konzen to an extreme reaction quickly. It probably should be clearer, because you can find less subtle flirting between them in canon and Konzen is more mellow then, but I always like it when characters understand each other without speaking directly. Konzen takes Kenren seriously because Kenren is serious, and they both know that.
"Wait a minute, now," Kenren said. "It'd be rude to throw me out without at least offering tea. Consider the offer."
I wish I'd noticed that I used 'offer' twice, only four words apart, before posting this.
If Konzen had been annoyed before, he was really angry now, all that irritability and boredom which normally dominated his expression wiped out by pure, full-blown rage. Kenren sincerely hoped that Konzen wouldn't be too stubborn about this, because he didn't think he could manage to wait the week it looked like it would take him to calm down.
"I don't need to consider anything," Konzen took a step back from the desk, hands fisted by his sides. "Get out. Tenpou may think your insolence is cute, but I won't be casually propositioned by a worthless idiot. Don't presume again to talk to me as if we were friends. I don't want anything to do with you. As far as I'm concerned, you're just another one of the greedy, sycophantic hangers-on, filling your time with gossip and pointless maneuvering. And I am not some adolescent girl to be seduced in my own rooms."
Kenren paused, letting him catch his breath after that speech. Watching Konzen get mad was like watching lightening strike: even if it hit you, you couldn't help but admire the light and power. And Kenren had never been one to wait out the flash hiding under his covers; he wanted to be right in the center of the storm.
This is the longest speech that Konzen makes in the whole story, and so it was the only chance I had to give some of what he's feeling directly. I desperately wanted to capture the way he (and Sanzo) can occasionally say something so true and so acidic that it's searing, but I seem to just not have that capacity for eloquent rage. This speech is probably the most heavily edited paragraph in the entire story, and I could not get it to work well enough. Eventually I added in Kenren's admiration; I figured that if I couldn't get the actual feel of what such a speech should be, if I had the other character reacting as if I had, I might manage to fool a few readers as well.
After what seemed exactly enough time for Konzen to start to feel the slightest bit better, Kenren grinned in a way designed to piss him off again. "Not like an adolescent girl. For one thing, that wouldn't be nearly as much fun. But if it makes you feel better, we could go to my rooms and you could seduce me."
Konzen blinked in surprise, silent while he floundered for something acidic enough to express himself, and Kenren pressed on while he had the advantage. "Is it such a bad thing that I want to sleep with you? Try to enjoy yourself, and you might not be such an unsociable prick. Stranger things have happened."
For me, this is one of the central lines of the whole story, and it wasn't until I stumbled over it that I could make everything that comes afterward work. Sure, it's a lot of fun to write the snarky dialogue- and boy do I love hatesex (...what the hell, spellcheck? 'Snarky' isn't a word, but 'hatesex' is? Who programmed this? I guess the Abiword designers get up to some interesting things)- but for the pairing to function, you've got to have that moment of actual concern that slips in. Not that they don't mean the snark, or that they're only teasing, because I do think they're both often looking to draw blood, it's just even with all the anger, there's some affection. Though of course you have to phrase it as aggressively as possible, because neither Konzen nor Kenren would ever admit to caring about each other.
Konzen moved out from behind the desk and Kenren caught him by the arm before he could do something as drastic as abandon his own office. Particularly since he was most likely heading for some sort of weapon. "Let go of me," he said, though with less venom than might be expected. Kenren figured it'd be a waste of time to hold out for a better opening, so he went ahead and kissed him before he could think better of it. Konzen recoiled back and shoved him away simultaneously, and then punched him. Kenren had been taking a step back to recover his balance, and the blow glanced along his chin, not hurting nearly as much as it could have. He cracked his jaw back into place, touching his fingertips to what would be a bruise tomorrow. Konzen watched him without saying anything, looking like he was more surprised than anything, and trying to hide it with a scowl.
Kenren smirked with the side of his mouth that didn't hurt. "At least it's more interesting than stamping forms."
When Kenren moved to kiss him a second time, Konzen was already stepping forward.
But affection seems to make Konzen uncomfortable, so he reacts in the good old flight and fight method. Fortunately, a challenge makes him
He didn't kiss any nicer than he talked, the bitchy, sanctimonious shit, tangling a hand in Kenren's hair and using it to yank his head to a new angle. He kept his other hand flat on Kenren's chest, keeping him from closing in that final inch. Kenren couldn't decide what he wanted to touch first: all that soft golden hair, or the thin, pale skin in the dip above the collarbone and below the neck, or the lean torso hidden away under too much cloth, so he went for it all, long strokes that covered everything and raised goosebumps on Konzen's arms.
Kenren tried to back Konzen up against the wonderfully nearby, thankfully steady wall, and actually managed it after a few times, despite the threat snarled against the corner of his mouth. Kenren shoved closer; Konzen tried to step back again, but with nowhere left to go he was pressed between the wall and Kenren, breathing short and sharp as he struggled to hold himself still, stubborn to the last. He grunted something unfriendly deep in his throat as he gave in, hips rolling to meet Kenren's, physical evidence proving his reluctance false.
Kenren kissed his way down Konzen's pretty neck, picturing how it would look with a few marks on a morning after, an image helped tremendously by Konzen's stuttered panting and half-stifled gasps hot against his ear. He brushed aside the skirt of that irritatingly long tunic and traced the line of the zipper of the pants underneath, teasing with light fingertips on the metal strip. Konzen bucked, and Kenren laughed as he left open-mouthed kisses on the bare skin between Konzen's shoulder covering and the start of his gloves. He dragged his fingers once more down the zipper, ignoring Konzen's swearing, pressing the pads of his fingers harder this time, before rubbing the whole width of his palm against the stiffness increasingly obvious within. Konzen rewarded him with a breathy "hell", and tightened his fingers in Kenren's hair.
Um, yes, porn. I write this. Often.
Also, what is the part of the robe that goes over your shoulder called, since I'm sure the actual term is not 'shoulder covering'. It's not a sleeve, it's not the neck. I couldn't figure it out, and google wasn't any help.
Kenren kissed him again, curling in his fingers to cup Konzen and stroking the hard heel of his hand up and down roughly. Konzen ground into his palm fervently, shoulders hitting the wall as he arched his back, flustered and mindless and completely undignified. A job well done, Kenren congratulated himself, but Konzen opened his eyes just enough to glare. "Stop fucking around," he ordered through lips too red and swollen and nice to belong to such an asshole.
Kenren dropped to his knees, sliding down the zipper as he went. Konzen's dick slid free with barely any help, and Kenren wrapped his lips around only the head, the bitter salt taste of precome filling his mouth. He swirled his tongue over the tip, working the rest with his hand. Konzen was looking at him, eyes wide and lips wet and mouth open just a little, for once too surprised to say anything at all, and Kenren felt himself hardening just from watching.
He backed off, licking up the sides instead of taking it in his mouth, softly tracing the thick vein on the underside with the tip of his tongue. Konzen tasted like clean things, soap and sheets and freshly laundered clothes, and best of all a musky, damp scent that was heaviest in the short hair at the root of his dick.
Konzen was making lovely little noises low in his throat, and Kenren swallowed as much as he could take just to see Konzen's adam's apple bob as he choked on air. The linen-like material of Konzen's tunic sat heavy on Kenren's shoulder, draped warm against his ear and the side of his face where he'd pushed it out of the way. He shoved it back again and slid his hand up Konzen's thigh in the same movement, drawing his fingers up the muscle that he could feel tensing and relaxing against his palm, shivering unsteadily. Konzen's fingers in his hair followed that rhythm, tugging on his scalp without focus.
Konzen's dick was heavy in his mouth, filling it, thick pressure against his tongue and hot tight skin between his lips. Kenren couldn't quite keep himself from grinning, as much as he could around his mouthful; he was enjoying himself far too much. Konzen shuddered and jerkily began to move his hips, shallowly fucking Kenren's mouth.
Wow. I'd forgotten how graphic this was. I go through phases, you know, where I decide that I've been writing too much porn and will actively seek to avoid it in my stories. And after I've done that for a while, I end up writing something like this. This story was where I decided to try writing a graphic blowjob, to see if I could. It's not something I've ever done myself, so I wanted to see if I could describe it accurately and have it be both believable and hot, and to try and portray the mind of a character who is experienced at this, and who enjoys it.
By the way, I wrote these paragraphs the day before I had to leave to go to Nevada; I thought that I would have all day to work on the story, but I'd forgotten that I had a dentist appointment. My brother had one too, so he drove us there, and my laptop came with. Yes, the most graphic, explicit sex scene I've probably ever written was typed out with my computer in my lap, driving through an old, fancy, respectful section of town, sitting next to my baby brother.
It sure is useful to have no shame, let me tell you.
Kenren helped him along, sucking for all he was worth each time Konzen pulled back, fingers creeping up and curling around the waistline of his pants to tug him forward again. He dropped his other hand to his lap, scrambling to get his zipper open and a hand wrapped around his dick, already aching with the need for some friction and pressure of his own. Kenren usually didn't get hard just from sucking dick, but Konzen was so good to look at, cheeks flushed and eyes nearly all pupil. His stomach muscles, right there in front of Kenren's nose, were fluttering quickly, matching the effort Konzen was putting into trying to catch his breath.
He mumbled something incoherent and those muscles tightened, and then he was coming. Kenren kept him in his mouth until he'd caught the last of it, Konzen's fingers in his hair pulling and finally loosening, lying against his scalp like long streaks of heat. Settling back on his heels, he wiped his lips clean with his thumb and set to work on catching up, stroking himself with a quick, expert hand. Konzen was right there to admire still, slouched against the wall with knees bent like he couldn't bother to hold himself up, eyes closed, a stray strand of hair slicked to his cheek by sweat, and Kenren didn't want to let that sight go to waste.
Kenren slowed down, wanting to last; he was having too much fun to finish quickly. Konzen opened his eyes to slits and stared down, a bare glimmer of purple visible beneath his heavy lids. Another slow curl of tension slipped down Kenren's spine and settled low in his belly at that regard; he smirked upwards and Konzen's fine eyebrows drew together in irritation. He slid down the wall to Kenren's level, balancing with one knee against the floor, and reached out to wrap his hand around Kenren's.
I didn't want to leave Kenren hanging; in my stories, everyone gets off!
There are several reasons why NMZ turned out so different from my original intention- Kenren's voice, lack of time. The fact that oogling Konzen is much more fun than being serious and angsty didn't hurt.
"Ah," Kenren said, voice only slightly unsteady. He licked his lips, swallowing hard. "I didn't think you'd dirty yourself, Konzen-sama."
Konzen's lips lifted in a sneer, fingers threading through Kenren's to trace the skin beneath. "I don't want you to think I owe you a favor."
I like these lines a lot; it seems very much like something they'd say. They're both very good at rationalizing it away when they do something nice.
It just wasn't fair for Konzen to say something like that so cruelly, as if he didn’t know Kenren would hear those words and see Konzen sucking *his* dick, nasty mouth put to good use for once and cheeks hollowed and little traces of wetness at the corners of his mouth. Kenren huffed a laugh through open lips, the skin on his legs and stomach feeling tight and itchy, and let his hand fall away. Konzen hesitated briefly, tentative, before closing his fingers confidently in a tight fist around the base. Kenren felt the strain deep in his guts and balls, building like a fire. Watching Konzen didn't help, a drop of sweat beaded on one of those high cheekbones, proper white robes wrinkled and disheveled, and Kenren felt it like a trembling on the inside of his thighs. It wasn't any better closing his eyes, because all he could see in the darkness behind his eyelids was Konzen's thin white fingers wrapped around his reddening dick, moving and moving and circling the base and flickering across the tip and too, too much.
"Huh," Kenren said, and unclenched his fists.
I hate writing orgasms. I was trying to do something different than usual here; to see if I couldn't mimic the feel just with physical description and the beat of the words. I wanted to get across the idea without needing to resort to just coming out and saying it, or using the old cliches we all know: white light, cresting, a burst. Looking at it now, I think it could be done amazingly, but I don't know if I managed it here. I like it regardless, because normally orgasm drives me crazy in my writing, and this is better than a lot of my attempts.
These paragraphs were written while having lunch in a deli, in case you're wondering. Trying to type while simultaneously keeping anyone else from seeing the screen is fun.
Konzen held his hand away from himself fastidiously, shaking it slightly; Kenren watched him until his heart settled back to a normal rhythm, then caught him by the wrist. Konzen allowed him to bring the sticky fingers to his mouth, cleaning his own astringent trace off that well-bred hand, swiping his tongue up the sides of the fingers and dipping into the lines of the palm. Konzen studied him wordlessly, lips a thin annoyed line but something wanting watching from behind his eyes.
Kenren swiped the flat of his tongue a final time across the heel of Konzen's hand and lifted his face, catching Konzen by the back of the neck and pulling him in for a kiss, his mouth still full of his own sourness. Konzen's mouth opened as he steadied himself with his wet hand against Kenren's forearm, and Kenren wondered what he tasted through the warmth and damp, thought of his come in Konzen's mouth. He sure as hell hoped he'd been wrong about only getting one chance, because he was going to have to try this again.
And to think that Tenpou'd said he was boring.
I also dislike writing endings. They always feel so arbitrary to me; obviously there's always more than happens afterwards, so how do you find the point where the readers know everything they need, without going on for too long? I tried here to give a little of how I see the interaction between Kenren and Konzen working; they're both more relaxed and open than they were at the beginning of the story. I think the line about 'something wanting' might be too much, but I was going for a bittersweet feel. After all, though they don't know it, we as readers all know that the characters are going to die soon, the poor boys. There's almost something inherently bittersweet about Gaiden because of that. Hard as they try, they only have so much time to change before it's too late.
The last line was my attempt to bring back the humor and general upbeat mood of most of the story.
