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Conversations I have been in recently
My brother: I don't know what I'm going to major in.
My cousin the idiot slut (star of other stories, which I would link to if I wasn't being lazy): You should be a doctor! We need to have at least one doctor in the family.
Me: Uh, hello? I'm in the family. I'm getting a doctorate.
My cousin the idiot slut: No, I mean a handsome male doctor. Like McDreamy!
My brother and me: ...
My brother: And you think I'm the person to fill this role?
***
My cousin the idiot slut (who, to make this story better, had a George Bush life-size cardboard figure at her graduation party a few years ago): I'm fine with it. I like Will & Grace. I am down with the rainbow!
***
My mother: *in regards to one of my little cousins being in a pageant* And she was shoving all the other angels around, telling them where to go. It was just like Brigdh-
Me: This is the sixth time you have told this story. Stop telling this story.
My mother: You always had to be in charge, directing everyone...
Me: It is not my fault if other people are incompetent!
***
My brother: Let's go to Walmart.
Me: No.
My brother: Why not? One-stop shopping: get everything you need.
Me: Except for your soul.
My brother: Damn you and your morals! You're the least ethical person I know, but you're going to take a stand on where you shop?
Me: How am I the least ethical person you know?
My brother: Wait.
*ten minutes later*
My brother: *standing innocently nearby*
Me: *spills food on new shirt* Damn. You know, when mom walks over here, I think I'll tell her this is your fault, to see if she yells at you.
My brother: See? No ethics! All evil!
Me: Only for you, dear-heart.
***
My brother: *punches me in the stomach*
Me: *slaps him in the head*
My brother: *stomps on my foot*
Me: *kicks his knee in*
My brother: *attempts to slam me into the wall*
My mother: Hey! Stop that!
Me and my brother: *separate*
My mother: This is why she doesn't like boys.
My brother: Oh, now it's my fault?
Me: He turned me gay.
My cousin the idiot slut (star of other stories, which I would link to if I wasn't being lazy): You should be a doctor! We need to have at least one doctor in the family.
Me: Uh, hello? I'm in the family. I'm getting a doctorate.
My cousin the idiot slut: No, I mean a handsome male doctor. Like McDreamy!
My brother and me: ...
My brother: And you think I'm the person to fill this role?
My cousin the idiot slut (who, to make this story better, had a George Bush life-size cardboard figure at her graduation party a few years ago): I'm fine with it. I like Will & Grace. I am down with the rainbow!
My mother: *in regards to one of my little cousins being in a pageant* And she was shoving all the other angels around, telling them where to go. It was just like Brigdh-
Me: This is the sixth time you have told this story. Stop telling this story.
My mother: You always had to be in charge, directing everyone...
Me: It is not my fault if other people are incompetent!
My brother: Let's go to Walmart.
Me: No.
My brother: Why not? One-stop shopping: get everything you need.
Me: Except for your soul.
My brother: Damn you and your morals! You're the least ethical person I know, but you're going to take a stand on where you shop?
Me: How am I the least ethical person you know?
My brother: Wait.
*ten minutes later*
My brother: *standing innocently nearby*
Me: *spills food on new shirt* Damn. You know, when mom walks over here, I think I'll tell her this is your fault, to see if she yells at you.
My brother: See? No ethics! All evil!
Me: Only for you, dear-heart.
My brother: *punches me in the stomach*
Me: *slaps him in the head*
My brother: *stomps on my foot*
Me: *kicks his knee in*
My brother: *attempts to slam me into the wall*
My mother: Hey! Stop that!
Me and my brother: *separate*
My mother: This is why she doesn't like boys.
My brother: Oh, now it's my fault?
Me: He turned me gay.
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It does make me wonder what they say about us behind our backs, though.